Kiddobeans

Sunscreen: Not Just for the "Pigment-ally" Challenged

There is no doubt that in my family, I am "the fairest one of all."  Little Miss is, of  course, the darkest.  Little Buddy is a soft tan and continues to darken as he grows (as is co mmon with biracial children).  Phil tans easily in the sun and rarely gets a sunburn.  Even Little Man--formerly known as "white boy" in our household until we decided the nickname might give him a complex--gets a little rosy red, then promptly develops a nice protective suntan.  Since I am definitely the most prone to painful sunburn--even having blistering and peeling on occasion--it is no surprise that I rarely forget the sunscreen.  I promptly sunscreen myself and all the kids as soon as we start playing outside.  Thoroughly sun-screening an African American child has caused a few comments among friends, but I always figured it had to be good for Little Miss as well as the other kids.  My pediatrician recommended it, and I figured it never hurts to be safe.  After all, I've already got the sunscreen out for myself, so how much harder is it to just do all the kids, too? 

Still, though I am a conscientious sunscreener, I had never actually learned specifics on how the sun can affect people of color.  Therefore, I was really excited to see an interesting article on skin cancer on the front page of CNN.com yesterday.  It's worth a read, especially if you are dark complected or parenting someone who is dark complected.  It turns out dark skin does offer some natural SPF protection.  Very dark skin, like Little Miss', offers as much as SPF 13 sunscreen.  The CDC, however, recommends a minimum of SPF 15 for everyone.  So even Little Miss, who is full African American, needs sunscreen to be fully protected.

The article goes on to say that skin cancer in people of color is not as uncommon as you might think (Did you know Bob Marley died of skin cancer?), and it is much harder to diagnose.  A lot of public awareness has been done to help fair skinned people identify possible melanomas, since those with light pigmentation are 10 times more likely to develop skin cancer.  Unfortunately, this means even a doctor may not be able to identify a possible problem spot on a person of color simply because s/he may never have seen one before.  Since skin cancer is best battled very early on, this presents a danger to people of color. 

Reading about cancer risk is always sobering, but at least it's nice to know I'm doing the right thing and not just being crazy-over-protective.  I have a great sunscreen combo that makes catching and sunscreening the kids super-easy.  I use a rub-on bar of "Coppertone Water Babies" (SPF 30) that is quickly rubbed on everybody's faces and also easy to keep in purse or diaper bag.  I finish off our bodies with "Banana Boat Kids Tear Free Continuous Spray Sunscreen" (SPF 50).  This was a great find...it sprays on like bug spray, with no messy lotion and no rubbing.  It takes no time at all to catch, protect, and release each kid, and the combo is easy to apply on myself, even when I'm wearing my backless swimsuit.

So enjoy the great outdoors and break out the sunscreen!  As my Mom always said whenever we left the house, "Have fun and be safe"!

So Your Kid Needs Physical Therapy...So What!

Little Miss needed gross motor physical therapy from ages 10 months to 16 months in order to learn to crawl and walk.  When the doctor handed me the referral to get her a Developmental Review at her nine month check-up, I cried.  Now, to be fair, I had actually delivered Little Man by emergency C-section only two weeks before, so I can't say that I was at my emotional best.  Still, I cried.  I felt like a failure, and I felt that her struggle to crawl was a reflection on me.  Also, let's face it, my competitive edge was sore because she wasn't "keeping up" with the other babies (sad, but true).  And, since the whole experience was new to me, I was scared that the folks at Early Intervention (the IL state-run therapy program) were going to be mean to me. 

How Jr. High does all that sound now!?  And notice, all of those fears were about ME and how I was feeling, not about Little Miss at all. So, I cried, and I'm not proud of it.  But I am proud that in spite of my emotional state, my silly fears, and even my family situation--remember, those two babies were only 10 months and 1 month old at the time of the Developmental Review--I didn't put it off.  Because of my prompt action following up with Early Intervention, Little Miss got the help she need and started crawling just before her first birthday.  And, in case you were wondering, all of the Early Intervention staff and Little Miss' very own personal PT were delightful.

So, hey, a little developmental delay is not the end of the world.  Just focus, and get the help as it is needed.  That was my philosophy moving forward with Little Buddy.  Like Little Miss, he has some pre-natal substance exposure.  Unlike her, he had to be sedated in the hospital for seven weeks just to make sure his horrible withdrawal symptoms didn't send him into a dangerous seizure.  So, prenatal exposure combined with a seven week hospital stay...that's just asking for Physical Therapy. 

Sure enough, at his first pediatrician appointment, when he'd been out of the hospital and in our family for a scant four days, I got that referral for a Developmental Review.  I was expecting it and I felt good about it.  He was only two months old, and I was hoping the very earliest possible Early Intervention might quickly override his developmental delays.  Unfortunately, PT is hard work and not a miracle cure-all.  We're still getting therapy every other week, and he's still not crawling. 

My emotional blues with PT this time around came not at the beginning, but this past month when I realized Little Buddy was not going to be crawling on a "normal" schedule.  At 10 months, that milestone is passing us by.  I found myself frustrated with the whole process, which, after all, has been going on for eight months now...I want to see some results!  What got me out of my funk?  Well, first of all, I owned up to myself that I was being selfish and whiny (and far too Type-A).  And, on a cheerier note, Little Buddy started clapping and started using ASL to sign "more" and "all done."  He made huge, visible progress in another area and that made me remember that he his cute and lovable and all-around sweet...and that I'm very lucky that we are tied only to PT and are not getting the other Early Intervention offerings of Speech Therapy, Fine Motor Therapy, and Nutritional Therapy.  My mantra is: What he lacks in gross motor skills, he makes up for in charm!

Having a good attitude about the therapy situation is of vital importance, because many people in my general circle of acquaintances and friends just don't get it.  Either they spend a lot of time telling me that the pediatrician, et. al, are just overreacting and Little Buddy doesn't really need physical therapy at all, or I get sympathetic looks and reminders that God loves our "special needs" children the most.  Ok, let's find a happy medium, people.  Little Buddy is doing great and does not have "special needs" in the vernacular sense, but he does have a developmental delay and he does need physical therapy.  He needs it, and that is not the end of the world.

So, if your doctor hands over that emotionally shattering piece of paper--a Developmental referral--take a deep breath.  Developmental Delay can happen to anyone, it is not tied to problem births or pre-natal exposure, it probably has nothing to do with you or your parenting. Developmental Delays that are addressed in early childhood will probably be completely overcome and leave no residual affect (I know Little Miss is operating at 100% after her little detour down PT lane).  There is no reason to feel guilty, scared, or hopeless.  Feel guilty only if you allow your emotions to put off getting the help that your child needs.  Feel scared only if you see small problems that would have been easily overcome with therapy turn into big ones that follow your little one through childhood.  Feel hopeless only if you are trying to cope on your own with Developmental Delays that require the assistance of a professional.  Otherwise, be positive and confident.  You are doing the right thing.  You are helping your child.  It's just no big deal.

My Open Adoption Book

Hey all you guys out there.  As I have mentioned before, I occasionally attempt to write a children's story.  Of course, it's nearly impossible to get published when sending an unsolicited manuscript out there in the cut-throat world of children's publishing, but I've decided to give it another go with my story  "I Have Two Names."  When Little Miss was adopted, I was shocked at the lack of stories out there about domestic adoption.  International adoption has been so publicized (with a lot of celebrities choosing international adoption and then writing books about it) that you can find a book about China at the drop of a hat.  But, look for a kids' book that provides an introduction to open adoption and the open adoption triad (birthparent--adoptive parent--child) and good luck to you!  So, I wrote one.  Based on Little Miss' open adoption, here is "I Have Two Names."  Comments would be appreciated before I send this one out into the cold, cruel world.

“I Have Two Names: A Story of Open Adoption”

Hi! My name is Danielle. And my name is Lizzie. I have two very important names.

My name is Lizzie because that is the name my birthmom gave me. I grew in my birthmom's tummy for nine months until I was ready to be born. Because she couldn't take care of me, she chose a very special Mommy and Daddy for me.

My birthmom wanted to give me a name that would always remind me how much she loves me. That is why she named me Lizzie—because it is a part of her name, Elizabeth. When I was born, Elizabeth was very young. She wanted me to live with her, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to take good care of me. Elizabeth decided to show how much she loved me by making an Adoption Plan for me. When I hear the name Lizzie, I remember that my birthmom loves me and is thinking of me.

My name is Danielle because that is the name Mommy and Daddy gave me when I became their daughter. When I was three days old, Mommy and Daddy met with Elizabeth. Elizabeth told them all about me, and all about the kind of parents she hoped to find for me. Then Mommy and Daddy talked to Elizabeth about how much they wanted to be parents, and how excited they were that I might join their family. Mommy and Daddy and Elizabeth all agreed that I should be a part of Mommy and Daddy's family forever. The next day, Mommy and Daddy met me for the first time, and brought me home. That was my Adoption Day!

On my Adoption Day, Mommy and Daddy wanted to give me a name that would show that I was an important member of their family. Because we have many relatives named Daniel, they gave me a name that sounds like “Daniel.” When I hear the name Danielle, I remember that I am surrounded by a family that loves me.

When Elizabeth writes letters to me, she might say, “Dear Lizzie, I love you very much,” or she might say, “Lizzie, you are becoming such a big girl! I keep a big photo album with all of the pictures you send to me and I like to look at them and see how much you have grown. ”

When my Mommy tucks me into bed at night she says, “My dear Danielle, I love you very much. I watch you grow every day and I am so proud that you are my little girl.”

Elizabeth knows that Mommy and Daddy call me Danielle. She doesn't mind. She is glad that Mommy and Daddy welcomed me to the family by giving me a special name. She placed me with Mommy and Daddy on purpose so that I could be a part of their family forever.

Mommy and Daddy know that Elizabeth sometimes calls me Lizzie. They don't mind. They know that Elizabeth will always be important to me. They are glad that my name will always remind me of her.

When Mommy talks to Elizabeth on the phone she says, “Lizzie loves to play and read and dance and sing.” Elizabeth says, “I like to do those things, too! I am always happy when I hear that Danielle is happy.”

I have two very special names because I have two very special families. Both families love me and want the best for me. Both families are mine forever. That is why I will always be Danielle. And I will always be Lizzie.

Finalization...and 6 Month Recap!

It has been very flattering to me that I actually got a couple of emails from people who had been following my blog and were dying to know what happened after we brought Newbie (now known as Little Buddy) home.  Well, what happened is this...I got too busy to type.  Now, however, that Little Buddy has just passed his eight month birthday and we actually received his adoption finalization papers in the mail just last week (!), I feel that the time is ripe to re-enter the world of adoption/family blogging and let you know just how things have been going.

For the first month, everything was very rough at home.  Little Buddy was born exposed to methadone, a drug used to treat more severe addictions like heroine.  His birthmom, DD, has been clean for two years with the help of a methadone treatment program, but because of the nature of methadone treatment, she was unable to go off it during pregnancy.  If she had stopped methadone treatment, the shock to her system may have caused miscarriage or a whole host of other problems for the baby.  So, Little Buddy was methadone exposed and spent seven weeks in the hospital going through withdrawal.  We were ecstatic to be able to take him home at seven weeks, but we were maybe not quite prepared for the upcoming weeks of withdrawal symptoms at home.  It takes a full three months for methadone to leave the system, so we had an additional six weeks of withdrawal after he left the hospital.  At times, he was a normal baby and we had a glimpse of the happy little guy he would become.  At other times, when he was exposed to too much visual and aural stimulus, he would tremble, sweat, and cry uncontrollably.  We learned quickly how to calm him, but knowing that he could go into what we called "an episode" with very little stimulus, we spent a lot of time at home.  At first, he could barely be in the same room with rambunctious Little Miss and Little Man, so that made getting into a family schedule very difficult.  Still, as I said earlier, we had a sense of a lovely, sweet, well-tempered baby just waiting to come out once the methadone thing had run its course.

After the first month, I started to get my feet under me as a mother of three.  It has been extremely busy not only because I am a mother of three, but also because Little Miss had a medical problem that needed to be sorted out, Little Buddy had a couple of  Developmental reviews and has been receiving Physical Therapy every other week, and the whole family periodically had to stop everything and meet with one of our adoption social workers as a requirement for finalization.  Whew!

Still, it has been great.  The two "big kids" (now ages 3.5 and almost 3) have completely taken over Little Buddy.  Bonding is not quite the word...for a while it was almost an obsession.  They could not wait to see him every morning when he woke up, they mourned for him every afternoon when he took his nap, and they spent all of the intervening hours trying to "play" with him or (more dangerous still) "take care" of him.  Little Miss is especially prone to "taking care" of the "Sweet Little Baby", as she calls him.  She tries to mix bottles, spoon feed, bottle feed, carry, and diaper the baby, and does not take kindly to the reminder that I am the Mommy and will take care of him, while she is the Big Sister and does not need to do the Mommy things.  She often reminds me "Mommy, he is a little baby and you have to be gentle with him.  You can't be firm to him.  He is a little baby."

Our relationship with DD, Little Buddy's birthmom, is also excellent.  We get together about every three months or so.  We actually live less than two miles apart, so we decided that our adoption had to be fully open,  otherwise it would just be awkward.  We could run into each other in the store or on the street...if we were trying to maintain secrecy that would be really weird!  DD takes her role as birthmom very seriously, which I really respect.  She goes out of her way to validate Phil's and my roles as parents, especially in front of Little Man and Little Miss.  She is extremely mindfull of our privacy.  And, she readily answers every question I have about her and her family, and backs up her information with dozens of photographs of her, her late husband (the birthfather), and her family.

So life is busy, but good.  The second adoption was hard, but good.  Parenting three is circus-like, but good.  And now I am happy to be able to be back at the keyboard.  Good.

Finalization...and 6 Month Recap!

It has been very flattering to me that I actually got a couple of emails from people who had been following my blog and were dying to know what happened after we brought Newbie (now known as Little Buddy) home.  Well, what happened is this...I got too busy to type.  Now, however, that Little Buddy has just passed his eight month birthday and we actually received his adoption finalization papers in the mail just last week (!), I feel that the time is ripe to re-enter the world of adoption/family blogging and let you know just how things have been going.

For the first month, everything was very rough at home.  Little Buddy was born exposed to methadone, a drug used to treat more severe addictions like heroine.  His birthmom, DD, has been clean for two years with the help of a methadone treatment program, but because of the nature of methadone treatment, she was unable to go off it during pregnancy.  If she had stopped methadone treatment, the shock to her system may have caused miscarriage or a whole host of other problems for the baby.  So, Little Buddy was methadone exposed and spent seven weeks in the hospital going through withdrawal.  We were ecstatic to be able to take him home at seven weeks, but we were maybe not quite prepared for the upcoming weeks of withdrawal symptoms at home.  It takes a full three months for methadone to leave the system, so we had an additional six weeks of withdrawal after he left the hospital.  At times, he was a normal baby and we had a glimpse of the happy little guy he would become.  At other times, when he was exposed to too much visual and aural stimulus, he would tremble, sweat, and cry uncontrollably.  We learned quickly how to calm him, but knowing that he could go into what we called "an episode" with very little stimulus, we spent a lot of time at home.  At first, he could barely be in the same room with rambunctious Little Miss and Little Man, so that made getting into a family schedule very difficult.  Still, as I said earlier, we had a sense of a lovely, sweet, well-tempered baby just waiting to come out once the methadone thing had run its course.

After the first month, I started to get my feet under me as a mother of three.  It has been extremely busy not only because I am a mother of three, but also because Little Miss had a medical problem that needed to be sorted out, Little Buddy had a couple of  Developmental reviews and has been receiving Physical Therapy every other week, and the whole family periodically had to stop everything and meet with one of our adoption social workers as a requirement for finalization.  Whew!

Still, it has been great.  The two "big kids" (now ages 3.5 and almost 3) have completely taken over Little Buddy.  Bonding is not quite the word...for a while it was almost an obsession.  They could not wait to see him every morning when he woke up, they mourned for him every afternoon when he took his nap, and they spent all of the intervening hours trying to "play" with him or (more dangerous still) "take care" of him.  Little Miss is especially prone to "taking care" of the "Sweet Little Baby", as she calls him.  She tries to mix bottles, spoon feed, bottle feed, carry, and diaper the baby, and does not take kindly to the reminder that I am the Mommy and will take care of him, while she is the Big Sister and does not need to do the Mommy things.  She often reminds me "Mommy, he is a little baby and you have to be gentle with him.  You can't be firm to him.  He is a little baby."

Our relationship with DD, Little Buddy's birthmom, is also excellent.  We get together about every three months or so.  We actually live less than two miles apart, so we decided that our adoption had to be fully open,  otherwise it would just be awkward.  We could run into each other in the store or on the street...if we were trying to maintain secrecy that would be really weird!  DD takes her role as birthmom very seriously, which I really respect.  She goes out of her way to validate Phil's and my roles as parents, especially in front of Little Man and Little Miss.  She is extremely mindfull of our privacy.  And, she readily answers every question I have about her and her family, and backs up her information with dozens of photographs of her, her late husband (the birthfather), and her family.

So life is busy, but good.  The second adoption was hard, but good.  Parenting three is circus-like, but good.  And now I am happy to be able to be back at the keyboard.  Good.

Introducing...Newbie!!

What a difference two weeks makes!  Two weeks ago, we had no idea that such a little person as our baby boy, we'll call him Newbie, existed on the face of the earth.  Now, he is as much our child as Little Miss and Little Man.  It's one of the strange things about adoption...it can go so quick!  In all of the months of waiting (seven months for us on this adoption), during which you might hear from your social workers just two or three times, it is very hard to remember that placement with a new baby could be imminent.  Even though we had experience with Little Miss' adoption (a whopping six days notice) we were still floored when Newbie entered our lives with a scant seven days notice.  It's kind of hard to wrap your head around it when things go that fast! I'll give you a little more description of our placement and adjustment as I, well, adjust, but for now here is a timeline of how quickly an adoption can proceed.

Monday 8/11
I got a call from one of our social workers.  They had been working with a biracial little boy and his birthmom since before his birth.  Though he was six weeks old, he had been in the hospital all along because of exposure to a drug called methadone.  Given the withdrawal and potential complications from the drug (the social worker asked) did we want our profile shown to this birthmom?  After several frantic phone calls and a few google searches, we decided to be shown.

Wednesday 8/13
The birthmom chose us (!) and would like to meet us as soon as possible.

Thursday 8/14
We met the birthmom at 11am and everyone felt really comfortable.  The social worker, birthmom, and we all felt committed to seeing this adoption through, so we decided to visit Newbie in the hospital.  What a cutie!  His birthmom and our social worker stayed for about an hour, and Phil and I stayed for another two hours after that.  That evening, we even brought Phil's parents and brother over to see the baby. The kiddobeans got to see him through the window to the Special Care Nursery and became very excited.

Friday 8/15-Sunday 8/17
Phil and I juggled the care of the other kids so that we could tag-team up to eight or ten hours a day visiting Newbie in the hospital.  He was in the final stages of withdrawal and was being weaned from the morphine that was controlling his severe withdrawal symptoms.  During these few days, we also finished the nursery (so cute!) brought out and washed all of the baby toys and clothes, and had several frantic shopping trips to catch up on odds and ends that we still needed.  Exhausted, we finally asked my parents to take the two kiddobeans from Sunday night through Wednesday afternoon because it looked like we might be placed on Monday.  During these few days, we were living on faith and trust in the word of our birthmom because she was not going to relinquish her rights until he was released from the hospital.  Although we trusted her, knowing that she could change her mind (even though we didn't think she would) added to the emotional strain.

Monday 8/18
Placement!  We all signed papers and the baby was released from the hospital and placed in our arms at about 8pm.  We had a emotional and heartfelt meeting with his birthmom and decided to fully disclose our information (full name, address, phone number) in order to have a fully open relationship.

So here we are a week later still reeling from such a quick placement.  Somehow, no matter how prepared you think you are, you just can't prepare for parenthood to come in a seven day period.  It's just hard to wrap your mind around it.  So, for those of you beginning the process or languishing on profile--take heart!  Everything can change in the space of a week!

Great America For Toddlers...Part II

Almost one year ago, I posted one of my very first articles about our family trip to teen roller coaster paradise Six Flags Great America in Gurnee.  At the time, I promised a follow-up, as we had not had a chance to visit the new water park, Hurricane Harbor.  Well, one year later we still didn't make it to the water park (I just couldn't figure out how to manage swimsuits and towels and changes of clothes for our little family), but I did garner a different perspective on the kid-type offerings of Great America.  So, for Chicagoland families everywhere, here is the new skinny on taking a 2.5-year-old and a barely 3-year-old to the roller-coaster mecca of the Midwest.

As I mentioned last year, Great America is making great strides toward becoming a family-friendly park by improving the child-friendly attractions.  This year, they also completely outlawed smoking in the entire park.  Good for them!  Their website is a great place to start to find out which attractions would be suitable for a young family.  You can sort rides based on height requirements, or find out which rides parents and children can ride together.  Before leaving, I spent an hour or so on Great America's website looking at the different offerings for young kids.  In the main park theme areas, there are a few rides that can accomodate little ones, and then there are three theme areas created for them: Wiggles World, Bug's Bunny National Park, and Camp Cartoon.   

Learning from last year, we didn't waste any time waiting in line on adult roller coasters and then attempting to swap out the kids. Instead we focused on Bug's Bunny National Park, Wiggles World, and a few family rides in the greater park area.  Last year, we visited Bug's Bunny National Park just long enough to freak out poor Little Miss on Petunia's Lady Bugz (no adults allowed), and I gave that section of the park a very poor review.  This year, however, was a different story.  All of those carnival-style rides made for kids to ride alone were a huge hit with the kiddobeans.  They rode the Lady Bug ride three times in a row, then moved over to the flying Porky's Buzzy Beez, from which they were torn by Phil after their fourth go-round.  The foam-ball mayhem that is the Loony Tune Lodge was so popular that we could only lure them away with the promise of lunch.  So, Bug's Bunny National Park is great for kids who are close to 3-years-old and up.  If your kid won't ride an attraction alone, as Little Miss had trouble with last year, you will find almost nothing to do.  But, a brave and sturdy two-year-old or any kids between about 3 and 8 will embrace the independence (and the noise) and have a great time going from ride to ride with almost no lines.  Unfortunately, since Phil and I couldn't even ride the kiddie rides with the kids, we were very much on the sidelines.  This portion of the park, which is at least 15-years-old, is showing some wear and needs to be refurbished.  Still, it was great to see the kids having fun.

In contrast, Wiggles World maintains its brand-new luster, as it only opened last year.  See last years' review for details on the rides, but know for sure that the delights of the Wiggles held up for another year.  Almost all the rides are designed for parents and kids to ride together, which is great for the little ones (and fun for the big ones).  There is also a stage show going on almost continuously, but our kids are not Wiggles fans (and also have an overwhelming terror of mascot-type costumes), so this was not a big draw for us.  Unfortunately for us, the stage show must have been a draw for many families, though, because it was really crowded.  We were there at a peak time, right after lunch, so maybe try to hit Wiggles World earlier in the day to avoid the crowds. 

From my pre-trip website searching, I knew that the third kids area, Camp Cartoon, was heavily weighted toward older kids.  Parents are not allowed on the rides, and the main attraction is a mini roller-coaster that was not appropriate for my little guys.  So, we skipped it.  We did, however, patronize a couple of rides in the Mardi Gras area of the park.  The Big Easy Balloons were a big hit, as it was "just like Curious George" in the hot air balloon.  We also road the Jester's Wild Ride, a simple spinning ride for the whole family.  The classic Great American Raceway, with antique race cars that the kids can "steer" was very popular with both kids.  The iconic double-decker Columbia Carousel didn't disappoint, either.  We rode it three different times during the course of the day.

We had a great day, but keep in mind that our tickets were half price through Phil's work, the kiddobeans were free, and lunch was included.  It would not have been worth it for us at anything near full price.  In fact, we are thinking of making this a special Mommy-Daddy outing for the next couple of years, since we would have to buy tickets for Little Miss and Little Man, but would still find ourselves relegated to the kidddie coasters.  If, however, you have cheap tickets like we did, or if you are planning a trip for older kids as well as toddlers, you and the little ones can have a whirlwind of fun in the midst of roller coaster paradise.

Shaohannah's Hope Adoption Grant

Well, we're in the middle of a busy July and finally getting things back to normal after a vacation, so I'm finally ready to get back to writing.  Do I have any readers left?  Thanks to you all who keep checking in!

No news on Newbie's arrival as yet, but I did want to let you know how things were going with our adoption grant application from Shaohannah's Hope (Steven Curtis Chapman's organization for financial assistance).  We completed the application on June 21.  Part of the application is filled out online, then some financial records, adoption home study, and a recommendation from our Pastor needed to be mailed in separately.  All of that stuff is now in, and we're just waiting to see if we'll be able to get a little financial boost (up to $3500). 

You never know, but I don't have really high hopes of us getting this grant.  I think (since we are a single-income family) that our salary is within an acceptable window to be considered, but our adoption costs are much lower than the average.  International adoptions can cost over $30,000; our adoption should run only about $12,000 since our Agency cuts some of its fees in the African American program.  With our costs being comparatively low, I don't know that we'll merit a grant.  Still, I'm glad we applied.  No  stone should be un-turned!  You never know what resource God will provide to make this adoption happen! 

Anyway, Shaohannah's Hope seems like a great organization.  I recommend applying if only because of the encouraging letter and booklet we received after our application was completed.  The 36-page booklet, entitled "Hope for the Journey: An Adoption Companion" is really great.  It has a 2-week "Devotional Guide" with Biblical references to adoption and caring for orphans.  Then it has Adoption Advice, Fundraising Tips, and Lessons from the Wait--different short paragraphs written by other adoptive families.  The tips range from things like "bring duct tape when traveling internationally" to "organize a walk-a-thon to raise money."  As I already mentioned, a lot of the focus seems to be on international adoptions, but I still found the devotionals to be a pick-me-up during my down moments and the tips and stories to be helpful and amusing.  One tip I'm taking to heart, make a "Time Flies" list of things, both practical and fun, that you want to do before the next little one arrives.  Focus on the time you have to get this stuff done rather than on the (potentially) long, long wait!

At the back are additional adoption resources, including other organizations that give adoption grants.  That's great because it's hard to tell from websites which foundations are legit, and which just want an easy way to get at your social security number.  I'm not sure if we'll be following through with any of the other organizations, but if we do I'll let you know.  In the meantime, give Shaohannah's Hope a try.  It's a real winner.

Bring on the Professional

Well, I finally bit the bullet and called in a pro to get Little Miss set up in a long-term hairstyle.  We had the appointment on Saturday with a woman from Cameroon who does home braiding with her 2 grown daughters 4 days a week.  I'm really, really happy with the result which will stay in for...drumroll, please...3 months!  Amazing!

With the hairdresser's help, we easily decided on twists for Little Miss.  This seems to be the general stylist-recommended procedure for little girls up through their teenage years.  First, Little Miss' hair is hot combed straight.  A hot comb is like a curling iron, with a metal comb attached to the end instead of a roller.  The hair is parted in small sections a few at a time, then artificial (plastic) hair is twisted into the real hair.  The fake hair extends past the length of the real hair, giving Little Miss a long, even style.  The ends of the artificial hair are twisted around a string, then dipped in hot water to fuse them into a permanent curl.  Older teens and women often use real human hair that is braided into place.  This costs more and human hair is a lot heavier on the scalp, so the plastic hair is the way to go for little ones.

Making this appointment was really terrifying for me.  I had to face a lot of my inadequacies.  Was I incompetent?  Was I giving up?  Was the hairdresser going to look at Little Miss and declare, "Well, you've really messed up her hair"?  Am I a bad parent for taking her to get her hair done when she is not quite 3?  Will they even be able to do anything for her, given that her recovering bald spot area is only about an inch long?  Will she even be willing to sit still?  What if we have to leave in ignominy after only getting half way done?

Of course, most of these are 3am-type fears that make no sense.  I know from watching kids on the playground that some 3-year-olds get their hair done professionally and some don't.  From what I've seen and learned, most 3-year-olds are at a minimum in the hands of "someone who braids", a family member or friend who is the go-to non-professional braiding specialist.  So a pro must know what to do for a 3-year-old, even if I don't.

The worries about Little Miss screaming the whole time were, unfortunately, grounded in reality.  Putting twists in takes 2 long hours--about double what I was expecting--and she used up all her bravery and patience within the first half hour.  You do the math.  That was 90 minutes of screaming girl sitting on my lap.  At times, I had to hold her down to keep her from bolting.  Nothing would calm her.  It was basically 3 months worth of hair care misery forced into one two-hour period.

So, will I do it again?  Absolutely!  I don't have to do much more than spray it with a sheen spray and gather it into a hairband for 3 months.  3 months!  And, it looks great!  She looks so put together all the time, and I don't even have to think about whether her hair is going to excite comment from someone.  It's incredibly freeing.  Plus, it's good for her hair.  The twist keeps her hair really smooth.  It can't lock in on itself and break; it can't dry out.  Those problem areas on the back of her head are going to get a real chance to grow. She can swim in it.  She can sleep in it.  I can wash sand and dirt right out of it with no trouble.  It really seems ideal for a little one.

The appointment cost $65.00 plus tip.  I thought that was really reasonable, and I think it would probably be a bit more in a salon.  I have to give her hair a "rest" after three months, taking the twists out myself and letting the hair be natural for a few weeks.  After that, I can definetly see us going back for more twists.  I just can't get over the fact that I don't even have to think about her hair until the end of September!  We'll have to see what happens when I get her out into the wide world.  Will someone somewhere give me grief over this choice?  Possibly.  So far, though, I've had nothing by positive reinforcement from A-A friends (and a few envious glances from other transracial moms).  As always, I'll keep you posted!

Hair Care Questions and Answers

In the past week or so, I have actually had two different transracial adoptive moms drop me a note to ask specific questions.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me that other moms out there are happening upon this little blog and finding the information helpful!  That is exactly what I had in mind when I started to write, and it means the world to me.  Once again, a reminder that I am not an expert, but merely a mom with a paltry (not quite) 3 years experience, so I'm open to additional suggestions from others.  For what they are worth, here are the questions and my take on the answers. 

1) What kind of sleep cap would you recommend for an infant, particularly in the summer?

Well, as I've mentioned, I did not even try to keep Little Miss in a cap when she was tiny, in large part because she was born in the middle of summer with a thick head of hair, so I figured she was warm enough already.  Still, no matter what time of year Newbie arrives, he will be capped at night in order to hopefully prevent the kind of monster bald spot we had with Little Miss.  An A-A friend suggested just tying a man's handkerchief around the little one's head, so that's worth a shot.  I'm hoping to use the kind of thin knit cap that they give newborns at the hospital.  If you have not had a biological child, try asking a friend if they have one of the hospital caps laying around that you could use.  Two different friends who gave me baby clothes included these caps with their bundles.  Or, if that doesn't work, look for a light-weight, stretchy cap in the baby bedding section of Target.  I have one with Pooh-bear ears on it...babies wearing hats with ears just make me happy.

2) How do you get Little Miss to sit still for 45 minutes to do her hair?

That has been a process, no doubt about it.  Little Miss had a lot of hair from the very beginning, and I had to start styling her hair at 6 months.  Believe me, at 6 months she was not sitting still.  In fact, at 24 months she wasn't really sitting still, and I was sure I was doing something wrong.  After all, all the folklore I've heard talks about hair braiding (etc) being such a time of bonding for mother and daughter.  Maybe it really was genetic and it was never going to work for me!  Not so.  It just takes time.  Find a time of day that works for your girl (remember, most of the styles survive being slept in, so they don't have to be done first thing in the morning), find a distraction technique that she likes, give her breaks when she needs it, and eventually you will work up to being able to do a 45 minute block of styling.

My first breakthrough came with a book called It's All Good Hair.  At the beginning of each chapter, there are first person accounts of different parents' struggles with hair care.  All moms of A-A daughters, whether biological or adopted, struggle with this.  One great suggestion from the book was to wash the girls' hair in the sink.  Removing hairwashing from bathtime made doing Little Miss' hair a lot less traumatic for her.  People have suggested doing it in front of the mirror because the little girls are enthralled with their own reflection;  I've used a hand mirror, and it worked pretty well.  Little Miss also likes to play with all of the "pretties" that I have sorted into little baggies (just ignore the mess and clean it up later), and she likes to be "just like Mommy" by taking a comb to one of her dollies.  Little Miss is not big into food, but I know some women comb out the hair over breakfast because the kids are distracted.  I've had great success with putting digital images on slideshow on our computer, then doing her hair while we watch our favorite photos scroll by.

But the number one distraction technique is, or course, TV.  Through the magic of Tivo, she gets to pick whatever show she wants.  If she gets up or struggles, I pause the show and remind her that we are watching TV right now as a special treat because we are doing her hair.  If she's not going to sit to have her hair done, then we are not going to watch TV.  It really works, and now, at 35 months old, I can get through a whole head of twists with only a reasonable amount of squirming.  I can even say that it is actually the bonding experience it was purported to be!