Kiddobeans

Transracial Adoption: From Home Depot to CNN

This has not been a great couple of days for this Mommy's self esteem.  First, I was approached twice this weekend by women offering suggestions for Little Miss' hair (hair-raising conversations).  I had been comment-free for almost a year.  True, the first time I was trying something new, and it didn't really look very good, but the second time I thought it looked fine!  Anyway, that's tough, though my loving hubby pointed out that both women went on to ask me questions about our family and adoption, so they may just have been looking for an "in" to get to know the family a little bit (or to be nosey).  Still, I'm considering whether or not it is time to take Little Miss in to get her hair professionally done.  I want to try an experiment anyway.  I have a theory that I'll still get some comments on Little Miss hair even if it is done by a pro, just because we are a conspicuous little family.  I'll let you know how that issue proceeds.

The second hair-raising conversation also involved a little bit of talk about transracial adoption.  The (African American) woman who initiated this conversation (in the Garden Center at Home Depot on Memorial Day--where of course I was completely prepared to discuss the finer points of transracial adoption and had Little Miss' hair done to the nines) was all supportive of our transracial family until she realized that Little Miss was not joining us out of foster care and that we were in fact actively pursuing a second African American adoption even though we had two little guys already.  The conversation remained polite on the surface, but was punctuated by some facial expressions of clear disapproval at times.  I thought it was a little rude. 

Then, I turn to CNN.com this morning and find that the transracial adoption issue has hit the front page.  The article is about DCFS's 1994 decision (the Multi-Ethnic Placement Act) to remove talk of race from the issue of foster care-to-adoption placement in order to encourage the placement of Black children.  It's under discussion because some maintain that White parents are not getting the training that they need to successfully raise a transracial family because race is not given enough consideration.  Also, adoption of Black kids waiting in foster care has not significantly increased, and more Black kids in transracial families experience self esteem problems as compared to same-race families.  I actually prefered the Washington Post version of this story because it made it clear that many of the self-esteem issues are related to skin color, so all children who are very dark (including those adopted internationally from places like Cambodia) can experience a sort of White-envy if they are not encouraged to embrace their own skin color.  This is not a Caucasian vs African-American issue. 

So, what do I think?  Well, first I want to point out that this does not affect my family directly because we are doing infant, agency adoption, not DCFS foster care adoption. My agency already requires transracial adoption training and has ongoing support for transracial adoptive families, and I think that is a good thing.  I think you've got to be willing to put yourself out there and talk to people about the weirdest things at the weirdest times if you are thinking about transracial adoption.  You've also got to be able to handle that stuff without making your kids feel self-consious and inferior.  That's hard.  It deserves at least a warning, if not actual training.  So, it should be part of the discussion.  At the same time, if we are going to say that Black kids are only going to be ok with Black parents, then we are not allowing this country to move forward.  We are forcing it to be a Caucasian vs African-American issue.

Funding Our Adoption--Grants and Fundraisers

With our Home Study officially and 100% done, Phil and I are now in a position to start applying for adoption grants.  Yes, there are such things, and they generally require that your Home Study be completed before you begin the application.  We estimate our adoption costs at a paltry $12,000--not bad considering most adoptions are $20,000 or more--but, still, it's not easy coming up with that chunk of change all at one go.  I've looked into several grants, but I am really only focusing on one.  For the next month, I'll be spending some time getting everything together for a grant from Shaohannah's Hope.  The couple of other grants I have looked into give preference to couples without children.  That's not us, so I'm passing over them.  Shaohannah's Hope does base its decisions on financial need, so that is not in our favor.  We are comfortably middle class and, as I said, our adoption is less expensive than most, so I'm not sure that we'll qualify.  Still, as a single income family which has already funded one adoption, I think I can make a case for a $2000.00 grant.

For our first adoption, we basically just saved for several months and wrote a check.  It wasn't easy to come up with that kind of money, but we saved half of my paycheck for almost a year and found ourselves able to cover not only the adoption expenses, but also a few unexpected birthmom expenses as well.  This approach also got our budget acclimated to a single income, meaning we did not take a lifestyle hit when I stopped working outside the home. 

For our second adoption, we are able to combine tax returns, contract projects outside of our normal work (for both Phil and me), a little bit of savings, and a series of online auctions to come up with most of what we need.  We are hoping for the grant because we are doing a little bit of "robbing Peter to pay Paul." We owe my parents some money because they loaned us the financial resources to complete our hideous construction project.  We are holding a bit of this loan aside to cover additional adoption expenses, but would like to get as much back to my parents as possible.  More money in the adoption fund means more can be returned on the loan.

Asking friends and family to donate objects that we could sell has worked well so far.  We've made about $800.00 by selling both the donations and our own items on CraigsList.  There are many organizations that have created fundraisers to help adoptive parents.  Sell magazine subscriptions, sell teddy bears, sell bracelets, sell T-shirts...and keep most of the proceeds to benefit your adoption.  There are even organizations that will help you set up a tax-exempt account so that financial donations from friends and family would not be subject to taxes.  An extensive transracial adoption blog (written by a different Erin) explains a lot of these options.  But, a good old fashioned garage sale (or our higher tech version) can still do wonders.  It never hurts to say "Hey, this is funding our adoption" on your advertising, either (though I don't think Phil has been doing this for our online auctions).

In funding any adoption, it is important to remember the government's Adoption Tax Credit.  You pay the money up front, but over several years, you can get up to $10,000 total back from the government.  This is not a refund, but a tax credit--basically you get all of the money you pay on taxes back (up to $10,000).  So, if you are using a Home Equity Line of Credit or a similar loan for part of your adoption, you can pay it back out of your Adoption Tax Credit.  You can start receiving the tax credits for taxes filed in the year your adoption is finalized, not the year you are placed with a baby.  We were able to use our Adoption Tax Credit (which we are still receiving in installments from Little Miss' adoption in 2005--which was finalized in 2006) to meet all of the initial expenses of beginning our second adoption.

The adoption tax credit definetly got us started, but a little extra could go a long way for us, so I'll keep you posted on how it goes with Shaohannah's Hope.  Good luck to anyone out there in a similar situation!

Hair Care Basics

As a white Mommy to an African American little girl, I know how hard it can be to get the hair "just right."  We are a transracial family, and we get a lot of attention.  Particularly for the first year or so, a lot of that attention came from well-meaning African American women encouraging me to try this or that for Little Miss' hair.  The thing is, as I am learning now that Little Miss is almost 3, it's not that maintaining proper style for Little Miss' dry, kinky hair is so very hard, it's just a matter of learning how to do it.  So, for all of the new transracial Mommies out there, here are a few basic tips on how to get started.  I'm no expert, but I haven't gotten any sort of hair comment about Little Miss in almost a year, so I must be doing something right!  At any rate, here are a few pointers just to get going.

TEXTURE African American babies are often born with very soft hair, then as they get older, they're hair will take on its final texture.  Not all Black hair is the same.  It can be curly, wavy, or kinky...extremely dry, or only moderately dry.  This is very important.  I had the problem all the time, that A-A friends or acquaintances (or strangers) would want me to try a new product because Little Miss' hair was too dry.  It took me months to realize that many people (particularly the strangers) were only recommending what they use, and were not taking into consideration the fact that Little Miss is 100% African American and her hair is far along on the dry, kinky spectrum.  So you have to find the product that really fits your child's hair and not go crazy taking everyone's suggestions.   There is a lot of trial and error here.

SHAMPOO Do not use baby shampoo.  Do NOT use baby shampoo.  Find a shampoo that is made for African American children or at least one made for dry hair.  Shampoo about once a week.  If your child has only moderately dry hair, that may be all you need, at least when s/he is very young.  I am currently using Soft & Precious Baby, a shampoo for A-A kids. 

PRODUCT For Little Miss, we had to start using product at about age 4 months.  That's when her hair started sounding "crunchy" when I squeezed it. After asking around (interested strangers CAN be very useful sometimes) I realized that I did not have to stick just to products made for babies because all the products are chemical heavy, even the baby ones.  I had tried three: Soft & Precious Baby, Just for Me, and Dark and Lovely for Kids.  The nice thing about kids' products is that they smell kid-appropriate.  No heavy perfume or incense smell.  But, for Little Miss' extreme hair, kid products on their own did not have enough oil.  I have also tried the adult products Pink (an oft recommended brand, but strong-smelling and harsh on my hands), Mizani (nice, but expensive), and Lustrasilk Moisture Max (good, but harsh on my hands).  I am currently using Olive Oil (this is a brand, not like what you cook with), and I really like it.  It is good-smelling, has a heavy-duty oil-based lotion, and is gentle on my super-sensitive hands, so it must be pretty gentle on my little girl's head, too.  I also use a spray for detangling--Dark and Lovely for Kids moisturizing detangler.  Combining two products was an inspiration from a book, and it has been great.  I use the detangling spray before combing/styling and also to moisturize and spruce up a 'do that's being left in for several days.  I use the lotion on each section of hair before I twist, braid, or puff it.

STYLING  I like to style Little Miss' hair when it is wet, usually in the evening when things are calm and quiet (so unfortunately she sleeps in it before anyone really gets a chance to see it!).  The hair is much easier to work with when it is wet and the style seems to be more firm and smooth.  With dry, kinky hair, the hair can just lock in on itself if left in afro-mode, which deprives the scalp of oxygen, makes the hair really hard to comb, and contributes to breakage.  So, keeping her hair in sections, even if it is just two "afro-puff" pigtails, is really important.  That's why so many little girls that you see wear at least three sections most of the time.  It's no coincidence!  You should be able to see the scalp clearly through the parts, which should be kept very straight with a rat-tail comb or a pick ( I prefer a pick).  If the part is wishy-washy, the hair is pulled in a couple of different directions, causing the scalp to pucker along the part.  I don't know for sure how it feels, but it looks painful to me.  Right now, I tend to do about 16-20 different sections of hair by starting in quarters, then parting each quarter 4 or 5 times.  I secure each section with a rubber band, then do a two-strand twist.  The 2-strand twist is one of the coolest things about Black hair, I think.  Braids require 3 strands and are harder to remove, but two-strands twisted and clipped with a barrette will stay perfectly neat for a week or more.  Just wrap the end of the hair around the rod of the barrette before clipping.  Cool, huh?  This is just an intro...I plan to highlight specific styles in later articles.

MAINTENANCE I sure wish I had taught Little Miss to sleep in a cap when she was a little baby.  Not only would it have saved her from a massive baby-bald-spot, it would help maintain her styles now because a cap would keep the hair from rubbing around as she sleeps.  So far, no luck introducing a cap or kerchief, but try it if you can.  Also, I've had no luck finding a silk pillow case (I guess they don't sell them at Target), but I do know that cotton can catch on the hair and leech out the moisture, so silk is best.  Hair that is in puffs has to be released from rubber bands and sprayed, combed, and moisturized every day or two.  Twisted hair holds its moisture better because less is exposed to the air.   Hair in twists or braids can say in for days, even up to two weeks.  Every couple of days I spray each twist with moisturizing detangler and sometimes I rub lotion on the ends of the hair.  All the better if your little one is willing to sleep in her "pretties"...the twists remain tight and the ends remain moisturized.

I plan to make hair care a sort of series, where I highlight different 'dos as I begin to feel confident with them.  Check out my outline of Little Miss' Easter Hair for the first such installment.  I'm still learning, and as I said, so much of this is trial and error, so look around and find the regimine that really works best for your child.  Then, come back here and post so I can get a few more tips, too :-)

Love Languages and Kids

I just finished up a women's Bible study focusing on wife/mother issues, and one of the things we talked about was finding your husband's "Love Language".  I'm familiar with this concept from my pre-marital counselling and also from a communications class I took in High School. It's from a popular book entitled The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.  In summary, the idea is that everyone has specific things that make them feel loved...their "Love Language."  The five love languages Chapman describes are:

Words of Affirmation: Acknowledge the good things that I do!  Praise me!
Quality Time: Spend time focused only on me!
Gifts: Show you love me with a thoughtful present!
Acts of Service: Do special little things just for me!
Physical Touch: Hold my hand!  Rub my back!  Cuddle me!  Be physically connected to me!

It took me about two seconds to figure out that I am a "Words of Affirmation" kind of gal.  I really need to be told that I'm doing a good job.  I feel completely re-energized after a compliment.  Phil and I always joke that his love language is "Food".  In fact, we once won a "Newlywed Game"-type challenge by both answering "Food" as Phil's love language even though this is obviously not one of the five types listed.  As time has gone by, I see that it is not so much the food as the act of caring for him that is really important to Phil, so I now see him in the "Acts of Service" category.  Once you know your loved ones' love language, you can start deliberately showing them acts of love in their "language" instead of doing what most of us do...trying to show everyone love in our own "language."

As I said, thinking about this in terms of my spouse is not new to me.  For the first time, however, I've found myself thinking about the love language of my children and how I can use the clues of their love language to be a better mom.  Having just looked up the books on Amazon, I've realized that this is not a novel concept.  There is in fact a whole book devoted to the The Five Love Languages of Children (also Men, Women, Teens, Singles... apparently Gary Chapman is going all "Chicken Soup for the Soul" on us).  I haven't read that book, but the book summary on Amazon.com describes the exact same Five Love Languages.  Presumably, they are described and illustrated in ways that relate to children's expressions of love.  Anyway, I was doing my own thinking about Love Languages and the kiddobeans.

I think I could have pegged Little Miss as a "Physical Touch" person when she had been with us less than 24 hours (she was then 3 weeks old).  From the very beginning, that child would sleep soundly for hours and hours if she was being held, but would fuss and wake up repeatedly when asleep in her crib.  In fact, Phil held her all night long the first night she was with us.  He describes this as a great bonding experience, but I have no doubt that it also keyed in to a fundamental need in her that we still see expressed.  She's a cuddler, a hand-holder, a "carry me!" girl, a cling to your leg if you are standing or to your back if you are kneeling or to your lap if you are sitting kind of little one.  As the Mommy, I have found this annoying for the 18 months or so, ever since she left babyhood behind.  She's always touching me!  Thinking about this behavior in terms of a Love Language instead of unnecessarily negative words like "clingy" or "separation anxiety" or "neediness" helps me put this in perspective from her point of view.

Little Man is harder for me.  He's all sunshine and happiness (except when he is lacking either sleep or food), and he is not terribly verbal as yet, so I'm having a difficult time figuring out his "language".  I'm thinking that Little Man may be a "Quality Time" person, if only because--as the littlest one--he doesn't get a lot of one-on-one time.  Little Miss and I are often alone together while Little Man is napping, but how often am I alone with just Little Man?  When he does have some time just with me, or just with Phil, his little face lights up and he appears to feel Very Important.  I have resolved to keep a closer eye on him to see if I can decipher his "language" a little bit more.

Another thing I'm taking away from this Bible study is the idea that you can't be everything to everyone, so why not focus on a few things that are most important to the people that you love?  That way you only have to do a few very imortant things instead of a bunch of things that mean very little.  To me, finding the kids love lanuages can help me do just that.