Kiddobeans

Artificial Twinning--Who Knew?

Apparently, the official term for kids such as mine, siblings not biologically related who are less than nine months apart, is Artificial Twins.  I had no idea there was such a thing, nor that there have actually been articles written about Artificial Twinning.  Coincidentally, I found out by tracing a google search someone else made.  The search engine found a match on this very blog (to my article referencing the kiddobeans as Virtual Twins), resulting in a hit on my site.  I tracked back on the search and found these two other articles which discuss Artificial Twinning.  Neither was very encouraging.

The articles, found in an index at adopting.org, were written by an adoption specialist, Richard van Deelen,  and an advocate for infertile couples,  Patricia Irwin Johnston, respectively.  Both focus on the folly of intentionally creating Artificial Twins (also referred to as Pseudo Twins or Virtual Twins) either by double-duty adoption or by deliberately continuing fertility assistance while pursing adoption.  The fact is, of course, that Phil and I did neither of these things to result in our Artificial Twinning.  Little Miss was already placed with us when we were completely blindsided by the realization of Little Man's imminent arrival.  There was no collusion or deception, or even deliberately planning (unless you count God's deliberate plan), that resulted in our unique family.  Nevertheless, my defenses went up upon first reading the articles.  Who are these people to make judgments on my family, anyway!

That was my impression on the initial read-through.  After a second read, though, I had to admit that the articles had a real point.  In fact, it is the point that I am continually trying to make to people who think it's "so cute" to have the two little guys so close together or prospective adoptive parents who "hope it happens" to them.  Artificial Twinning is really, really hard on the parents!  You have kids at different development levels who are continually put in situations where they have to respond as if they are the same age.  You have two sets of early childhood needs to contend with, like multiple well-baby doctor visits, two babies who need to be hand fed, two babies needing attention during the night, and possibly even two sets of Early Intervention physical therapy.  You have constant attention from well-meaning strangers who are burning with curiosity about your family, leading to discussions of adoption and infertility in the most unlikely of places.  It's just not easy.  So, I guess since it's not a situation that I would recommend anyone to deliberately seek out, I can't get defensive when the experts agree with me.

Both articles make the point that parents who seek out a situation with Artificial Twins are probably acting from a desire (born of infertility) to secure a family asap, even if that involves multiple babies.  The experts say that these parents are not looking past the baby in their arms to the potential problems later as their family grows.  Only the second article, with the sobering title "Instant Family? The Case Against Artificial Twinning", actually ended on a positive note by offering advice for families like mine that want to thrive in this situation.  Two points I'm really going to consider are 1) Set clear boundaries on how you communicate with people about your family.  Not every question about adoption/infertility from a stranger or acquaintance deserves a super-detailed answer.  Kids want their privacy too.  2) Help the kids grow their separate identities by keeping them in different grades in school if possible.  That'll require some thought, but I am now once again leaning toward separating them in school.  We'll see.  I change my mind about every 5 minutes on this.

So there you go.  We're a sociological phenomenon.  Who knew?  Anybody out there also parenting Artificial Twins?  What's your story?  Anybody out there considering it?  I've decided that, looking past the defensiveness I feel at this implied criticism of my family, my advice has to be the same as the experts.  Don't seek it out.  It's tough on you and on the kids.  My own addition to the articles is--if you find yourself in that situation for one reason or another, embrace it.  There can be great blessings in having a unique family.  My hope is that Richard van Deenan and Patricia Irwin Johnston, realists that they are, might stumble on this site one day and get a perspective on the blessings as well as the challenges.  There is nothing "artificial" about the sibling and parental love in a unique family like mine.

Pulling the Plugs

The funny thing, ok one of the many funny things, about having 2in12 is that we often have to find a balance with their 8.5 month age difference so that they can do the same thing at the same time.  For instance, I always tried to push Little Man's nap back as much as I could before he melted down, then put Little Miss in her crib at the same time, distracting her with books and quiet toys until she was actually ready for her nap about 45 minutes later.  That's how I got them to "nap together."

Well, I found that I needed to find that same balance with something much more sinister...the removal of the Nuks (our pacifier nickname, taken from our preferred brand).  Poor Little Man still seemed so much like a baby when he was sleeping, we just didn't want to take it away.  At 18 months, he only used it at night, and it was such a comfort to him.  Little Miss, however, was beginning to be a problem.  Little Miss Bedtime Princess required three separate Nuks before she would go to sleep, one in her mouth and one in each hand.  Failure to find each specific Nuk, in the correct color, would result in much screaming and no sleeping.  Though Little Miss was also limited to night time Nuks, the situation was rapidly getting out of hand.  The Nuks had to go, and we felt that we should get it out of the way for both kids at the same time.

The two kiddobeans finally got separate rooms at Thanksgiving (upon completion of our hideous home expansion that took a year and a half).  We had been waiting for this moment, knowing that they would be able to better calm themselves when the fatal day came if they were separated.  Three weeks before Christmas, we struck.

I had read about various techniques, and decided that trimming down the Nuks with a scissors would work best for us.  I thought that if the Nuks just disappeared, they would be really panicked, but if the Nuks became "broken", they would just accept it.  It actually worked like clockwork for Little Man.  We had one very bad night and one very bad nap-less day, and then that was it.  For a few days, he went to sleep with it in his mouth, but promptly let it go when he became too drowsy to concentrate on holding the stubby little nipple.  After I finally disposed of the thing, he asked about it every night at bedtime for about a week, but quietly accepted the inevitable when I reminded him that it was "broken."

Little Miss was really rough for about a week.  She stubbornly held that little bit of a Nuk clamped in her teeth to keep it in her mouth.  Although she knew that they were "broken", she was not releasing any control.  Finally, something had to be done.  One night before bed I handed her the Nuks, and told her that they were "broken" and needed to go in the garbage can.  We marched downstairs and brave Little Miss slowly threw them in the trash can, one-by-one...by-one.  Apparently it made a big impression because she told her Grandma all about it later.  Grandma appropriately praised our Big Girl, and the whole story has a happy ending.

The timing was really a compromise.  I would have liked poor Little Man to have those Nuks just a little bit longer.  I felt like the last bit of baby Little Man left us when those Nuks did.  He's all Big Boy now.  But, oh well.  It had to be done and it was, I'm sure, much easier on him because we did it before he was 2.  Still, when I watch him sleeping open-mouthed, without any more cute sucking noises, I'm glad that we are on the watch for Baby #3.  I guess I'm still a little bit attached to those silly Nuks myself.

Toy Land, Toy Land

Like all parents, Phil and I are trying to find a balance with Christmas.  We are still new at the Santa Claus act (Little Miss is having her 3rd Christmas, Little Man is at his 2nd) and its hard to know how many gifts to buy without going overboard.  We want it to be a special day for the kids...we want them to open lots of presents and  have new things and get really, really jumping-around-and-laughing excited.  But, we don't want to break the bank, we don't want to spoil the little ones, and we don't want to celebration of Jesus' birth to be lost behind the celebration of "new stuff."

At least for this year, we have a plan that has helped maintain some balance.  Because our little 2in12s are at the same stage as far as toys go, we have decided to give them all joint presents this year.  After all, their toys always end up being shared anyway, so why not start out that way?  I think Little Miss' birthday presents in July were "her toys" for about an hour and a half before they started being "their toys."  This great plan opened up some fun ideas for us, and proved to be cost conscious as well.  For example, the kiddobeans love playing with the toy kitchens in their classrooms at church.  Well, a toy kitchen is a pricey commodity, but since they were going to share it (and since we found a great deal on ebay) they do get to have what a I hope will be a jaw-dropping gift after all.

Books, bath toys, toy kitchen accessories, coloring supplies, and a toddler-friendly MP3 player round out the mix.  These are all toys that the kiddobeans would want to play with together, and that's what I would want to encourage anyway.  Who wants to stock up the kids with a bunch of fuel for sibling rivalry?  It's like my theory of gift-buying for my sweet hubby.  I don't buy him presents that are predisposed to take time away from the family.  Wii family play video games are ok, first-person-shooters are not-so-much.  A toddler carrier for his bike is great, something that aids in solitary training for his triathlon habit can come on his own time.  In the same way, I want the kids gifts to aid in family harmony, not destroy it.

I flatter myself that I (as the primary gift buyer) did a good job finding toys that will bring our little co-players closer together and give them the imaginative fun that is ideal in a sibling relationship, and that I in fact remember having with my own siblings.  I hope that I can keep as good a balance as my own parents did.  I guess time will tell.  I'll keep you posted.

2in12 and Mealtime Madness

I am sitting here typing this post while my kids are feeding themselves breakfast at the table.  Oh the joy!  I still cringe when I think of the feeding situation back in March and April of 2006.  Let's just say, it's a good thing they're so cute.  The worst thing about having 2in12s, particularly those as close in age as mine, is the constant spoon/bottle feeding.  When Little Man was born, Little Miss was not self-feeding at all--even a Cheerio would do her in.  She also had just been described by her doctor with the sobering three words "Failure to Thrive" which were to haunt us for the next year.  At 8 1/2 months, she weighed only 14 pounds.  Because she was so young, there was little we could do in the way of supplements or increasing her calorie intact.  All the doctor could say to me was, "Try to feed her more."  At the exact same time, I had a brand new Little Man who needed a bottle about every three hours.  All day long, I was always feeding a baby.  And all day long, because both were eating about every three hours and my c-section and sore back wouldn't allow me to feed both at the same time, someone was usually crying.

The hardest times of those first two months always revolved around food.  Little Man had a little bit of reflux, so he would sometimes spew back up a whole bottle for no reason at all.  Little Miss, who desperately needed to gain weight, would often refuse to eat and would cry and cry as I coaxed and pleaded and (I'm not proud of this) yelled and finally cried myself.  I remember one particularly awful morning.  By dint of great effort, I had just managed to get a good breakfast of baby cereal and a bottle into Little Miss while Little Man napped on our bed in the next room. On average, it took me a difficult 45 minutes to get her to eat the required amount of food.   Little Miss was not crawling or even rolling very much (another stress of the moment, because we were just beginning our physical therapy assessments for her) so I left her lying on our bed while I took up the awakened Little Man to change his diaper.  There is a first time for everything, and that was the first time ever that Little Miss managed to move herself around enough to fall off the bed.  I quickly moved Little Man from changing table to bassinet (lest I invite another accident) and ran to Little Miss.  Although unhurt, she was so upset that she threw up that entire breakfast right down my shirt.  Two screaming kids, no calories in Little Miss, and one very wet and disgusting Mommy.  That was a low point.

"I...I will survive....As long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive."  So, I made it through, because what else are you going to do?  You do what you have to do, and I had to make this work.  Of course, I had huge support from family and friends and that made a difference.  At the same time I was going through mealtime madness with the babies, I did not have to cook even once because a dear friend of mine had arranged a full three weeks of meals for us by pooling our friends at both church and Phil's work.  MB, if you are reading this, your effort of kindness made an enormous difference to me!!

So the kids are in there calmly eating their cereal, from bowls, using spoons, drinking from sippy cups, and only making a moderate amount of mess, and I'm in here thanking my lucky stars that I have the two of them, that they are fully functioning toddlers, and that the three of us have managed to be happy and well adjusted after the chaos of those first few weeks.  And I'm so thankful that Little Miss has found herself on the weight chart (5th percentile!) for the first time since birth, and that Little Man only throws up now when he is actually sick, and that I haven't been vomited upon in about two months.  Who could ask for anything more?

Little Mommy

Yesterday the kiddobeans were in the middle of a riotous game of tag when they both tripped and fell in a muddle on the bouncy new carpet.  No harm done, but Little Miss (who might be more aptly named Little Mommy) put her arms around Little Man and announced, "I pick you up.  I carry you."  Remember, she is a venerable 2-years-old compared to his meager 1 1/2.  And she is a whole inch taller (though he is four pounds heavier).  Little Man did not care to be picked up, were such a thing even possible, and promptly went tearing around another corner, diligently pursued by Little Miss  yelling, "No, stay HERE, I pick you UP, I CARRY you!".  She reminds me of the unintentionally abusive animal lover Elmira in the old Tiny Toons Adventures of my youth--"Come back!  I have so much more love to give!"

Recently I've caught Little Miss trying to change her sturdy brother's diaper.  She caused him to topple over and get a bloody nose while attempting to remove his coat.  She tries to put his shoes on for him.  She talks him through household rules, using my own words ("No, no, you can't have that right now.  How about you play with dolly?  or car?  You like car").  When he cries she runs to his room to retrieve and deliver his pacifier.  The other night, long after bedtime, Phil peaked in on the little darlings to find Little Man sound asleep next to the crib rails and Little Miss standing on a box of diapers next to him petting his head.  A week before that, she got soundly scolded for putting her hair cream on his little bald head while he was sleeping, apparently in an attempt to "do his hair."  She coaches him through songs and takes his hands to teach him the actions to their favorite tunes.  She also firmly believes that she alone has taught him to sign, speak, and walk.  She used to make him sign or speak the words "more" or "food" before sharing a treat with him.  And our veteran walker (who had at the time been walking for almost six whole months!) would actually stand Little Man up and then walk backwards in front of him, pulling him along and encouraging him with each step.

This penchant for taking care if her little brother goes way back for Little Miss.  Check out this picture.  There's our Little Miss, age 13 months and not yet even able to pull up to standing, doing her level best to feed a bottle to her excitedly willing 4-month-old brother.  I'm sure many older siblings "play Mommy" to the little ones in the house, but I think my Little Mommy is probably among the most successful and most comical.  When they are teenagers, I fully expect that  5 ft tall Little Miss will still be ordering around 6 ft tall Little Man, and he'll probably still be obeying!

Packing the Ultimate Diaper Bag

I found out pretty quickly after Little Man came along that if you want to be spontaneous when you have 2in12s, you have to be prepared ahead of time.  I know "planned spontaneity" sounds like an oxymoron, but when it comes to kids it makes perfect sense.  Want to be able to stop for lunch after a busy morning?  Want to stay a little longer with friends?  Want to take advantage of a beautiful day by visiting the park after your quick trip to pick up extra diapers?  Your diaper bag had better be prepared.

A diaper bag, by definition, must contain diapers (I recommend 2 per kid), and, of course, you need back-up outfits and bottles or sippy cups.  During the last two years, I have found a few non-traditional must-haves that help a lot with versatility.  They are:

Pre-Packaged Fruit
You can by these at any grocery store in packages of four.  They are little plastic cups with a peel-off plastic seal, and contain peaches, pears, mixed fruit, or mandarin oranges.  Just break the seal, drain the juice, and let the kids go-to with their fingers for a quick snack or to augment a meal out.  The oranges are the neatest for finger-eating and any fruit may result in sticky fingers, which brings me to my next tip....

Pre-Packaged Wipes
Yes, I do have that rectangular green plastic wipe-holder that every Mom has, but I've never liked it.  The wipes can easily dry out (leaving you stuck in a messy situation on occasion), the kids like to open it up and play with it (destroying the wipes therein or leaving it unexpectedly empty), and the wipes never pop out of the top like they are supposed to.  I much prefer the small, square pre-packed baby wipes that you can find in the "samples" section of Target and other stores.  The wipes seal with a reusable sticker, are  more compact than the big holder, and are only $1. 

Munchkin Snack Dispenser
I picked this up at Jewel in the baby section--we call it the "wheel o' snacks".  It is a green plastic wheel with four compartments, topped by a lid with a small pop-top dispenser.  Fill each of the four compartments with a different finger food (I usually have Cheerios, teddy grahams, raisins, and goldfish crackers) that you can shake out of the pop-top.  The seal is good and tight, so the snacks stay fresh for a long time--you only have to re-fill occasionally.  The kids can get some variety, and you always have snacks on hand! 

Miniature Books
I have a few books that are about 4"x4" square.  They are so tiny, I have no problem fitting them in the bag, and I can always pull them out during an expected wait.  "Old MacDonald's Farm" and "The Wheels on the Bus" are actually tiny lift-the-flap books by LeapFrog, so there is an added level of entertainment.

Plastic Keys
The best 99 cents I ever spent at Walmart!  Plain, colorful plastic keys from the baby section are super-popular with both Little Man and Little Miss.  Little babies shake them like rattles, while older toddlers like Little Miss pretend to drive and attempt to open doors, etc, just like they see you doing.  For 2in12s, just make sure each kid has a set, or fights are sure to ensue.

I have to say, I was put to shame in diaper-bag preparedness on a recent trip to the zoo with a mother of 5.  She had one wagon for kids and another wagon for the stuff that went with them, and several times she loaned me things that I had just forgotten to bring along.  But, as far as keeping a compact and versatile bag for daily needs, I think I do pertty well with help from a few of the items above.  I hope they help you out, too.  Happy Spontaneity!

"2in12s" or "Virtual Twins"

I have two kids born within less than twelve months of each other; most people would say that I have "Irish Twins."  But, think about the origin of that phrase--it's not so nice.  It comes from the ethnic and religious stereotype that Irish Catholic families are in a constant state of childbearing because they don't believe in contraception.  At the very least, the phrase is old-fashioned, and the most, it's kind of mean.  So I wanted to find something else..  Although the internet turned up several sites that discuss the controversial origin of "Irish Twins", no one had a suggestion for another term.  Now, to me, that is a challenge.  I enlisted the help of my oh-so-clever Mom, and we came up with 2in12s (2 kids in 12 months), so that is the phrase that I'm going to use on this site.  It will be really interested to see if it catches on!

Of course, my kiddobeans are not just 2in12s.  At less than 9 months apart, they are an actual biological impossibility.  To me, this requires a bit more creativity.  I have heard of adoptive families who have "virtual twins."  Now, that is a description I can get behind.  I often use a string of adjectives to describe my family--like, "multi-racial, adoptive, near-twins" or possibly "metaphorical twins."  It's just fun to toss around all the different phrases.

The "twin"-type status of the kids will be finalized one way or another when they start school.  If we start Little Miss after just turning 5 (a July birthday) she will be a year ahead of Little Man.  But, as a summer birthday, it might be even better for her to start at 6.  This would put them in the same grade, though not necessarily the same class.  Bam!  With one fell swoop I have made them into twins.  I have the power!  Now, I just need to weild it responisbly.

Review: Jeep Wrangler Twin Sport All-Weather Stroller

For the last 18 months, my double stroller has been my lifeline.  Little Miss didn't walk until she was 16 months old.  That means for over seven months (since Little Man is not quite nine months younger), any time I wanted to go anywhere I either carried both kids, made two trips, or used my double stroller.  Every single time.  It's no wonder I have a bad back!  Little Man started walking at 15 months.  So until three months ago, I either carried one and guided one by hand, carried one and pushed a stroller, or used my double stroller.  Factor in that Little Man is an explorer and shy Little Miss often insists on being carried, and I still need to rely on my faithful double on a regular basis.

To start out, when I needed to have a front-and-back stroller to accommodate the infant car seat, I used a Graco that I believe was the Graco DuoGlider LX Stroller, although I'm not quite sure on the model because I got it used. It was easy to fold and unfold, but it was like steering a boat from a rudder in the back, it was hard for me (post C-section) to get it in and out of the car, and it was very heavy to push.  In fact, I got it free from a friend because it was too heavy for her with her three year old in the front.  I think they have updated the strollers a little bit since the one I used was made, and they might be lighter now.  I would recommend trying them out in a store before purchase.  After pushing "the boat" around for four months, I couldn't wait to get my hands on a side-by-side double umbrella stroller.  The lighter the better.

The only true umbrella stroller I could find either in stores or online was the Jeep Wrangler Twin Sport All-Weather Stroller.  It is one of the cheapest--less than $100--also one of the lightest--I think its about 15 pounds--so, of course that's what I bought.  A lot of other side-by-side strollers fold down into a big rectangle.  The seats themselves don't compress like they would in a single umbrella strollers.  These tend to be more expensive, about $130-$300, but they do give you a lot more options.  They have a rack underneath, they have sunshades, and maybe even a tray in front.  But, as I said, I didn't buy one of those. If you have one, please send a comment to let everyone know how it's working for you.

My Jeep Wrangler is great for what it does.  It's nothing fancy--no bottom rack, no tray, and small sunshades that clip on and off.  It folds up completely if you flip two levers, one under each seat, with your foot. It has a three-point harness.   I really like that the seats can clip up into a full sit or down into a semi-reclined position.  Four months is pretty young to be in an umbrella stroller, but Little Man did fine because he was more supported in the "down" position.  It does have a small saddlebag on each side of the stroller and a removable cupholder for my drink.  For small outings, I stick a couple of diapers, two sippy cups, and their sun hats in the saddlebags, and we're good to go.  For longer trips, I bought two plastic hooks that clip on to the handles of the stroller and can hold the diaper bag.  Also, just a nice perk, the handles of the stroller are taller than the average umbrella stroller, so I don't have to stoop.

I've had many people ask if it is hard to get through doors.  Actually, the stroller is the same width as a wheelchair, so by law it has to be able to make it through doors, hallways, aisles, etc.  It's a tight fit sometimes, but I almost always make it.  And when I don't make it, I have fun feeling righteously indignant that this place is not ADA accessable. 

The kids love to be side-by-side, sometimes even holding hands or sharing food, but they do pick on each other a little bit if they get bored.  I'm not sure how it would go if the age difference were larger, so this is probably best with 2-in12s (2 kids in less than 12 months) or twins. The seats each support 35-40 pounds, so again sibs with a big age difference would not be able to use it for very long. I had a big problem with the stroller this winter when we had a series of days hovering around 0 degrees.  The stroller lives in my car because I use it so often, and the metal couldn't handle the cold.  The hinges wouldn't open fully to allow me to open the stroller.  They bent out of shape when I tried to force them (FYI this was a panic moment for me, because as already stated without the stroller I basically couldn't get out of the house at all). Phil was able to bend the the hinges back and I have continued to use the stroller without incident.  The stroller did get left out in a thunderstorm recently, and it survived great.  In general, though, the so-called "All-Weather Jeep" is not a hardy off-road type vehicle.  It's hard to push it even over grass for any length of time.  Still, I love this stroller and I really depend on it.  I don't hesitate to recommend it if you're looking for a basic model. 

A Case of Potty Envy

Little Miss is having a banner month.  With her second birthday have come all kinds of new opportunities.  First, it was a move from the church nursery to the “Two's” Sunday School Class.  Then, the introduction of that mysterious invention “the potty.”  And finally, just yesterday, a move from crib to toddler bed (prompted by a need to access said potty).  Little Miss is getting all of the opportunity, and poor Little Man is just getting left behind.

I would think that in most families, the younger sib of a two-year-old is not much aware of the world.  I would think on average that little guy would be at the smiling, drooling, staring-at-the-ceiling stage of life.  Not so for those of us blessed with, well, let's say, above average families.  Little Man is seventeen months old, and he knows when his Big Boy-hood is being challenged.

Now, I'm sure that I started the problem.  I tend to talk things up for Little Miss, who can be a little skittish in new situations.  I had a whole mantra about the Sunday School class change.  “Little Man is a baby and he's going to stay in the nursery to play with the babies.  Little Miss is a Big Girl.  Being a Big Girl means you get to have a lot of fun with the other big kids.” etc, etc, etc.  Ok, so I lay it on a little thick, but it worked.  Then there was the affair of the potty.  I followed the advice of friends, books, and websites by making this a big deal for the special potty-trainer in my life.  I let her help pick out the potty; I let her know that it was her special potty because now she was a Big Girl.

Naturally, Little Man has also been very interested in the potty, but he has been ruthlessly shut out of the situation by his big sis.  Little Miss tends to co-opt my own language and shout at her brother “No Sir!  That's my potty.  I am a Big Girl.  You are a little baby.”  That is a great insult for Little Man, who is quite sure that he's ready to conquer the world...now that he can walk and all.  He is mortally offended by this affront to his abilities. 

Ah, poor Little Man, I feel your pain.  As a younger sib myself, in constant rivalry with my sister who is almost two years senior, I know what it means to be left behind against your will.  I guess it does no good to tell you that it will all even out by the time you are fourteen or so.  With all your new-found toddler abilities, you probably still can't reckon that far in the future.  So, for now, all I can say as you gaze out from between the bars of your crib at the freedom without is this.  Take heart!  Being a big kid is not all its cracked up to be.  We'll see how keen Little Miss is about being a Big Girl when she realizes that diapers and cribs aren't the only casualties.  The pacifier is next.