Kiddobeans

Bring on the Professional

Well, I finally bit the bullet and called in a pro to get Little Miss set up in a long-term hairstyle.  We had the appointment on Saturday with a woman from Cameroon who does home braiding with her 2 grown daughters 4 days a week.  I'm really, really happy with the result which will stay in for...drumroll, please...3 months!  Amazing!

With the hairdresser's help, we easily decided on twists for Little Miss.  This seems to be the general stylist-recommended procedure for little girls up through their teenage years.  First, Little Miss' hair is hot combed straight.  A hot comb is like a curling iron, with a metal comb attached to the end instead of a roller.  The hair is parted in small sections a few at a time, then artificial (plastic) hair is twisted into the real hair.  The fake hair extends past the length of the real hair, giving Little Miss a long, even style.  The ends of the artificial hair are twisted around a string, then dipped in hot water to fuse them into a permanent curl.  Older teens and women often use real human hair that is braided into place.  This costs more and human hair is a lot heavier on the scalp, so the plastic hair is the way to go for little ones.

Making this appointment was really terrifying for me.  I had to face a lot of my inadequacies.  Was I incompetent?  Was I giving up?  Was the hairdresser going to look at Little Miss and declare, "Well, you've really messed up her hair"?  Am I a bad parent for taking her to get her hair done when she is not quite 3?  Will they even be able to do anything for her, given that her recovering bald spot area is only about an inch long?  Will she even be willing to sit still?  What if we have to leave in ignominy after only getting half way done?

Of course, most of these are 3am-type fears that make no sense.  I know from watching kids on the playground that some 3-year-olds get their hair done professionally and some don't.  From what I've seen and learned, most 3-year-olds are at a minimum in the hands of "someone who braids", a family member or friend who is the go-to non-professional braiding specialist.  So a pro must know what to do for a 3-year-old, even if I don't.

The worries about Little Miss screaming the whole time were, unfortunately, grounded in reality.  Putting twists in takes 2 long hours--about double what I was expecting--and she used up all her bravery and patience within the first half hour.  You do the math.  That was 90 minutes of screaming girl sitting on my lap.  At times, I had to hold her down to keep her from bolting.  Nothing would calm her.  It was basically 3 months worth of hair care misery forced into one two-hour period.

So, will I do it again?  Absolutely!  I don't have to do much more than spray it with a sheen spray and gather it into a hairband for 3 months.  3 months!  And, it looks great!  She looks so put together all the time, and I don't even have to think about whether her hair is going to excite comment from someone.  It's incredibly freeing.  Plus, it's good for her hair.  The twist keeps her hair really smooth.  It can't lock in on itself and break; it can't dry out.  Those problem areas on the back of her head are going to get a real chance to grow. She can swim in it.  She can sleep in it.  I can wash sand and dirt right out of it with no trouble.  It really seems ideal for a little one.

The appointment cost $65.00 plus tip.  I thought that was really reasonable, and I think it would probably be a bit more in a salon.  I have to give her hair a "rest" after three months, taking the twists out myself and letting the hair be natural for a few weeks.  After that, I can definetly see us going back for more twists.  I just can't get over the fact that I don't even have to think about her hair until the end of September!  We'll have to see what happens when I get her out into the wide world.  Will someone somewhere give me grief over this choice?  Possibly.  So far, though, I've had nothing by positive reinforcement from A-A friends (and a few envious glances from other transracial moms).  As always, I'll keep you posted!

Hair Care Questions and Answers

In the past week or so, I have actually had two different transracial adoptive moms drop me a note to ask specific questions.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me that other moms out there are happening upon this little blog and finding the information helpful!  That is exactly what I had in mind when I started to write, and it means the world to me.  Once again, a reminder that I am not an expert, but merely a mom with a paltry (not quite) 3 years experience, so I'm open to additional suggestions from others.  For what they are worth, here are the questions and my take on the answers. 

1) What kind of sleep cap would you recommend for an infant, particularly in the summer?

Well, as I've mentioned, I did not even try to keep Little Miss in a cap when she was tiny, in large part because she was born in the middle of summer with a thick head of hair, so I figured she was warm enough already.  Still, no matter what time of year Newbie arrives, he will be capped at night in order to hopefully prevent the kind of monster bald spot we had with Little Miss.  An A-A friend suggested just tying a man's handkerchief around the little one's head, so that's worth a shot.  I'm hoping to use the kind of thin knit cap that they give newborns at the hospital.  If you have not had a biological child, try asking a friend if they have one of the hospital caps laying around that you could use.  Two different friends who gave me baby clothes included these caps with their bundles.  Or, if that doesn't work, look for a light-weight, stretchy cap in the baby bedding section of Target.  I have one with Pooh-bear ears on it...babies wearing hats with ears just make me happy.

2) How do you get Little Miss to sit still for 45 minutes to do her hair?

That has been a process, no doubt about it.  Little Miss had a lot of hair from the very beginning, and I had to start styling her hair at 6 months.  Believe me, at 6 months she was not sitting still.  In fact, at 24 months she wasn't really sitting still, and I was sure I was doing something wrong.  After all, all the folklore I've heard talks about hair braiding (etc) being such a time of bonding for mother and daughter.  Maybe it really was genetic and it was never going to work for me!  Not so.  It just takes time.  Find a time of day that works for your girl (remember, most of the styles survive being slept in, so they don't have to be done first thing in the morning), find a distraction technique that she likes, give her breaks when she needs it, and eventually you will work up to being able to do a 45 minute block of styling.

My first breakthrough came with a book called It's All Good Hair.  At the beginning of each chapter, there are first person accounts of different parents' struggles with hair care.  All moms of A-A daughters, whether biological or adopted, struggle with this.  One great suggestion from the book was to wash the girls' hair in the sink.  Removing hairwashing from bathtime made doing Little Miss' hair a lot less traumatic for her.  People have suggested doing it in front of the mirror because the little girls are enthralled with their own reflection;  I've used a hand mirror, and it worked pretty well.  Little Miss also likes to play with all of the "pretties" that I have sorted into little baggies (just ignore the mess and clean it up later), and she likes to be "just like Mommy" by taking a comb to one of her dollies.  Little Miss is not big into food, but I know some women comb out the hair over breakfast because the kids are distracted.  I've had great success with putting digital images on slideshow on our computer, then doing her hair while we watch our favorite photos scroll by.

But the number one distraction technique is, or course, TV.  Through the magic of Tivo, she gets to pick whatever show she wants.  If she gets up or struggles, I pause the show and remind her that we are watching TV right now as a special treat because we are doing her hair.  If she's not going to sit to have her hair done, then we are not going to watch TV.  It really works, and now, at 35 months old, I can get through a whole head of twists with only a reasonable amount of squirming.  I can even say that it is actually the bonding experience it was purported to be!

Hair Care Basics

As a white Mommy to an African American little girl, I know how hard it can be to get the hair "just right."  We are a transracial family, and we get a lot of attention.  Particularly for the first year or so, a lot of that attention came from well-meaning African American women encouraging me to try this or that for Little Miss' hair.  The thing is, as I am learning now that Little Miss is almost 3, it's not that maintaining proper style for Little Miss' dry, kinky hair is so very hard, it's just a matter of learning how to do it.  So, for all of the new transracial Mommies out there, here are a few basic tips on how to get started.  I'm no expert, but I haven't gotten any sort of hair comment about Little Miss in almost a year, so I must be doing something right!  At any rate, here are a few pointers just to get going.

TEXTURE African American babies are often born with very soft hair, then as they get older, they're hair will take on its final texture.  Not all Black hair is the same.  It can be curly, wavy, or kinky...extremely dry, or only moderately dry.  This is very important.  I had the problem all the time, that A-A friends or acquaintances (or strangers) would want me to try a new product because Little Miss' hair was too dry.  It took me months to realize that many people (particularly the strangers) were only recommending what they use, and were not taking into consideration the fact that Little Miss is 100% African American and her hair is far along on the dry, kinky spectrum.  So you have to find the product that really fits your child's hair and not go crazy taking everyone's suggestions.   There is a lot of trial and error here.

SHAMPOO Do not use baby shampoo.  Do NOT use baby shampoo.  Find a shampoo that is made for African American children or at least one made for dry hair.  Shampoo about once a week.  If your child has only moderately dry hair, that may be all you need, at least when s/he is very young.  I am currently using Soft & Precious Baby, a shampoo for A-A kids. 

PRODUCT For Little Miss, we had to start using product at about age 4 months.  That's when her hair started sounding "crunchy" when I squeezed it. After asking around (interested strangers CAN be very useful sometimes) I realized that I did not have to stick just to products made for babies because all the products are chemical heavy, even the baby ones.  I had tried three: Soft & Precious Baby, Just for Me, and Dark and Lovely for Kids.  The nice thing about kids' products is that they smell kid-appropriate.  No heavy perfume or incense smell.  But, for Little Miss' extreme hair, kid products on their own did not have enough oil.  I have also tried the adult products Pink (an oft recommended brand, but strong-smelling and harsh on my hands), Mizani (nice, but expensive), and Lustrasilk Moisture Max (good, but harsh on my hands).  I am currently using Olive Oil (this is a brand, not like what you cook with), and I really like it.  It is good-smelling, has a heavy-duty oil-based lotion, and is gentle on my super-sensitive hands, so it must be pretty gentle on my little girl's head, too.  I also use a spray for detangling--Dark and Lovely for Kids moisturizing detangler.  Combining two products was an inspiration from a book, and it has been great.  I use the detangling spray before combing/styling and also to moisturize and spruce up a 'do that's being left in for several days.  I use the lotion on each section of hair before I twist, braid, or puff it.

STYLING  I like to style Little Miss' hair when it is wet, usually in the evening when things are calm and quiet (so unfortunately she sleeps in it before anyone really gets a chance to see it!).  The hair is much easier to work with when it is wet and the style seems to be more firm and smooth.  With dry, kinky hair, the hair can just lock in on itself if left in afro-mode, which deprives the scalp of oxygen, makes the hair really hard to comb, and contributes to breakage.  So, keeping her hair in sections, even if it is just two "afro-puff" pigtails, is really important.  That's why so many little girls that you see wear at least three sections most of the time.  It's no coincidence!  You should be able to see the scalp clearly through the parts, which should be kept very straight with a rat-tail comb or a pick ( I prefer a pick).  If the part is wishy-washy, the hair is pulled in a couple of different directions, causing the scalp to pucker along the part.  I don't know for sure how it feels, but it looks painful to me.  Right now, I tend to do about 16-20 different sections of hair by starting in quarters, then parting each quarter 4 or 5 times.  I secure each section with a rubber band, then do a two-strand twist.  The 2-strand twist is one of the coolest things about Black hair, I think.  Braids require 3 strands and are harder to remove, but two-strands twisted and clipped with a barrette will stay perfectly neat for a week or more.  Just wrap the end of the hair around the rod of the barrette before clipping.  Cool, huh?  This is just an intro...I plan to highlight specific styles in later articles.

MAINTENANCE I sure wish I had taught Little Miss to sleep in a cap when she was a little baby.  Not only would it have saved her from a massive baby-bald-spot, it would help maintain her styles now because a cap would keep the hair from rubbing around as she sleeps.  So far, no luck introducing a cap or kerchief, but try it if you can.  Also, I've had no luck finding a silk pillow case (I guess they don't sell them at Target), but I do know that cotton can catch on the hair and leech out the moisture, so silk is best.  Hair that is in puffs has to be released from rubber bands and sprayed, combed, and moisturized every day or two.  Twisted hair holds its moisture better because less is exposed to the air.   Hair in twists or braids can say in for days, even up to two weeks.  Every couple of days I spray each twist with moisturizing detangler and sometimes I rub lotion on the ends of the hair.  All the better if your little one is willing to sleep in her "pretties"...the twists remain tight and the ends remain moisturized.

I plan to make hair care a sort of series, where I highlight different 'dos as I begin to feel confident with them.  Check out my outline of Little Miss' Easter Hair for the first such installment.  I'm still learning, and as I said, so much of this is trial and error, so look around and find the regimine that really works best for your child.  Then, come back here and post so I can get a few more tips, too :-)

Pretty Easter Hair

Well, writing came in a distant second this week to the holiday and a two-day tryst in Chicago with my sweetie, but it feels good to be back in the regular rhythm of writing.  See, I'm so glad to be writing again, I'm even getting alliterative. 

I hosted Easter Sunday dinner.  It was my first big sit-down type holiday, and I though it went down flawlessly.  I really had a good time, and I think everyone else did too.  But, hosting a ham dinner for 13 adults and 4 children was not my crowning achievement of that Easter day.  My proudest moment was when I finished Little Miss' hairstyle.  I think most transracial Mommies are pretty obsessive about their African American daughter's hair because someone somewhere has told them they aren't doing it right.  Well, I'm no exception.  I like to get it right.  And this Easter--Fab-u-lous!  With hair like that, who needs a bonnet!

I followed directions in the book It's All Good Hair that I recently reviewed (filed under racial topics, reviews, and books).  It took me 45 minutes, which is about standard for anything a little bit complex.  I put it in on Saturday night, so she had slept in it once by Sunday morning, but it still looked good.  It stayed in pretty well for five days, though the shorter, thinner hair on the back of her head started pulling out of the rubberbands.  If I do it again, I might just put that hair in little puffs instead of attempting to twist them. 

I've found that most hairstyles are not really that difficult.  It's all about learning a method, and then it just takes time.  The step-by-steps in It's All Good Hair are very good.  I recommend the book in general and I don't feel I can copy the steps out for this article.  That might be crossing the line of plagiarism.  So here is an overview of how I did it.

I washed it (I've found this is the key to getting styles to stay in pretty well over time).  Then I rubbed in her hair lotion.  I used my finger to create a circle of hair right on the crown of her head, like a ponytail using just a small amount of hair.  I held it loosely with a hair rubberband.  Then I started with the vertical parts from the ponytail to her forehead.  For parts, I like to use my finger to create the part, then sharpen and straighten it with a pick.  This creates a nice, clean part with less screaming and wriggling (my fingers are gentler than a rattail comb!).  Two parts from ponytail to forehead created a long rectangle of hair.  I put a short part in the center of the rectangle, across the horizontal, to create two squares.  I rubberband-ed the square next to her forehead, then two-strand twisted that section of her hair.  I joined that twist to the square right above it, rubberband-ed the two together, then twisted that section of hair up to the ponytail.  I tucked the end of the twist into the ponytail rubberband and oila! one section done.  I moved to the right of the finished section, put in another part to create another rectangle, and continued with the same method. 

I bought a bunch of pastel colored rubberbands at Walmart to create a design as the rubberbands held the twists.  They weren't too sturdy, but they looked pretty and were easier than beads.  To me, the colored rubberbands looked like little jewels and the puffy ponytail at the top looked like a crown, and my Little Miss looked like a Princess!  A perfect "crowning" acheivement for this Mommy!

Hair Care Affirmation

I am way too sensitive when it comes to Little Miss' hair.  It's very true.  I often get comments about her hair, helpful suggestions from African American Mommies and Grandmas.  This happened more often when she was much younger (about 6m), before I really styled her hair; now, I get a comment maybe once every couple of months.  While I am always exceedingly polite and appreciative on the outside, I sometimes rebel on the inside.  Does their daughters' hair look perfect every time they leave the house? Really?   Every time?  Even when she had a potty training accident right as she was getting dressed?  Even when she has a little cold and just wants to snuggle?  Even when her hair has just been washed?  Even when a hundred other things that can affect a toddler's morning routine cause this-and-that to go wrong?

Of course, the answer is "No."  No toddler-Mommy has that much control over her daughter's hair.  Phil is great in these situations.  He listens to me vent about how hard I try to do right by her hair.  And how important it is to me to keep it healthy and styled because I know that it is not only about appearance, but about cultural identity.  And how frustrating it is that just when I think I've got it right, someone stops me in the store to suggest this cream or that spray or even (an outdated hair care tip) Vaseline because her hair looks "just a little bit too dry."  And then he begins the reassuring comments section.  He's got some great ones, so for all of you transracial adoptive Mommies out there, here's some affirmation a la my dear sweet hubby.

1) Think of it this way: all of these African American Grandmas are giving you the exact same advice they would give their daughers.  In a way, you have been adopted into the greater African American culture by means of Grandmas giving you hair tips.  It's a positive thing.

2) You know Little Miss' hair texture better than anyone else because you work with it every day.  You know whether the suggested products are going to work or not.  No one walking by her in a store is going to know exactly how to treat her hair, they are just telling you what has worked for them.  Take the suggestions that help, and dismiss the ones that don't.

3) Remember, you almost never get a comment when Little Miss' hair has been freshly done.  The comments come when something has kept you from re-doing her hair.  This is not your fault.  You cannot always spend a half hour on Little Miss' hair every morning.  Everyone has days where they can't control either their schedule or their toddler.  The difference is just that we are a conspicuous family, not that you are incompetent.

4) Helpful hints are not always intended to be criticisms.  No one comes up to you and says "Her hair looks awful, you must be a bad Mommy."  Instead, people who have been working with African American hair their whole lives are telling you what has worked for them.  They are including you in this cultural ritual of hair care.   By doing this, they are seeking to affirm our transracial adoption situation, not criticise your parenting.

5) When you run into a woman in a store and begin a pleasant conversation, she does not know that you often get hair care comments.  She may think that she is the only one who has offered to help you.  The difficulty comes because you have heard different suggestions so many different times, making you feel weighed down by the comments.  But, the women offering the suggestions have no idea that anyone else has spoken to you about Little Miss' hair.  Take their comments for what they are--a sincere offer of help.

Now, isn't he a wonderfully supportive guy?  And, even more than that, he's very right.  Since I don't take criticism too well, I can tend to lose sight of the fact that total strangers are out their trying to help me be the best Mommy I can be, even offering me their phone numbers so that I can call them with questions.  How many Moms can say that?  It is really a very special thing--one of the many special, unusual things that go along with a transracial adoption.