Kiddobeans

Hair Care Questions and Answers

In the past week or so, I have actually had two different transracial adoptive moms drop me a note to ask specific questions.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me that other moms out there are happening upon this little blog and finding the information helpful!  That is exactly what I had in mind when I started to write, and it means the world to me.  Once again, a reminder that I am not an expert, but merely a mom with a paltry (not quite) 3 years experience, so I'm open to additional suggestions from others.  For what they are worth, here are the questions and my take on the answers. 

1) What kind of sleep cap would you recommend for an infant, particularly in the summer?

Well, as I've mentioned, I did not even try to keep Little Miss in a cap when she was tiny, in large part because she was born in the middle of summer with a thick head of hair, so I figured she was warm enough already.  Still, no matter what time of year Newbie arrives, he will be capped at night in order to hopefully prevent the kind of monster bald spot we had with Little Miss.  An A-A friend suggested just tying a man's handkerchief around the little one's head, so that's worth a shot.  I'm hoping to use the kind of thin knit cap that they give newborns at the hospital.  If you have not had a biological child, try asking a friend if they have one of the hospital caps laying around that you could use.  Two different friends who gave me baby clothes included these caps with their bundles.  Or, if that doesn't work, look for a light-weight, stretchy cap in the baby bedding section of Target.  I have one with Pooh-bear ears on it...babies wearing hats with ears just make me happy.

2) How do you get Little Miss to sit still for 45 minutes to do her hair?

That has been a process, no doubt about it.  Little Miss had a lot of hair from the very beginning, and I had to start styling her hair at 6 months.  Believe me, at 6 months she was not sitting still.  In fact, at 24 months she wasn't really sitting still, and I was sure I was doing something wrong.  After all, all the folklore I've heard talks about hair braiding (etc) being such a time of bonding for mother and daughter.  Maybe it really was genetic and it was never going to work for me!  Not so.  It just takes time.  Find a time of day that works for your girl (remember, most of the styles survive being slept in, so they don't have to be done first thing in the morning), find a distraction technique that she likes, give her breaks when she needs it, and eventually you will work up to being able to do a 45 minute block of styling.

My first breakthrough came with a book called It's All Good Hair.  At the beginning of each chapter, there are first person accounts of different parents' struggles with hair care.  All moms of A-A daughters, whether biological or adopted, struggle with this.  One great suggestion from the book was to wash the girls' hair in the sink.  Removing hairwashing from bathtime made doing Little Miss' hair a lot less traumatic for her.  People have suggested doing it in front of the mirror because the little girls are enthralled with their own reflection;  I've used a hand mirror, and it worked pretty well.  Little Miss also likes to play with all of the "pretties" that I have sorted into little baggies (just ignore the mess and clean it up later), and she likes to be "just like Mommy" by taking a comb to one of her dollies.  Little Miss is not big into food, but I know some women comb out the hair over breakfast because the kids are distracted.  I've had great success with putting digital images on slideshow on our computer, then doing her hair while we watch our favorite photos scroll by.

But the number one distraction technique is, or course, TV.  Through the magic of Tivo, she gets to pick whatever show she wants.  If she gets up or struggles, I pause the show and remind her that we are watching TV right now as a special treat because we are doing her hair.  If she's not going to sit to have her hair done, then we are not going to watch TV.  It really works, and now, at 35 months old, I can get through a whole head of twists with only a reasonable amount of squirming.  I can even say that it is actually the bonding experience it was purported to be!

I Can't Believe I Just Said That!

I've had a couple of friends who follow this little blog ask me about the Princeton Review.  What ever happened to that job?  Well, I was offered the teaching job, but couldn't make the training since they gave me just two weeks notice to clear two complete, consecutive weekends.  After a few emails back and forth, I decided that this place just didn't have its act together and it wouldn't be a good fit for me.  That was several months ago, and I had basically given up the idea of working right now since Newbie's arrival (that's baby #3 BTW) is so up in the air.  That's why I was floored when my former place of employment, a local history museum, called me up and offered me a 140-hour contract out of the blue.  It's so flexible, and childcare really fell into place for 1-2 days a week, so I decided to take it.  I'm now a working Mom (!) at least for the next 10 weeks or so.

I've only done one day so far, but being back at the museum has been great.  It put me in mind of all the conversations you might hear at a museum that would make no sense anywhere else.  For example, we're putting up a display of wedding dresses, but one of the dresses is going as a teaser in our (male) supervisor's exhibit.  My (female) co-worker and I were sorting the dresses when she said, "Not that one, that one is Dennis' wedding dress." Of course, Dennis is not a cross-dresser, she meant it was for his exhibit.  Poor Dennis came off even worse when he was putting up a display a few years ago.  It showed all of the different layers of clothing a 19th century woman would have worn.  Each piece had to be painstakingly fitted to a different mannequin.  When I asked my co-worker where Dennis was, she replied, "He's up in textile storage trying on corsets."   

Of course, parenting is even more comical.  There are lots of moments when I look back and think, "Did I really just say that?"  Both the kiddobeans have pretty tremendous gag reflexes, so many a day I might walk into a room and ask "Did anybody throw up in here?"  Conversations with Little Man often include statements like: "Yogurt is not a finger food.  Yogurt does not belong on your head.  Once the yogurt goes into your mouth, it has to stay there."  Potty training has created its own complete set of ridiculous conversations.  I might say to Little Miss: "Did you go poopies?  Good girl!  In the potty?  No?  Ok, then [trying not to panic] where are they?"

In that vein, Phil and I had a doosey of a conversation yesterday morning that I would now love to share with you.  People without kids might want to pass over the following...it's not for the faint of heart!  I was folding laundry in the hall while he went to get the kids dressed.  The exchange went something like this...

Phil: Uh, oh.  We have a problem.
Erin: Did some one throw up? [See how perennial that one is!]
Phil: Nope, other end.
Erin: Poopies on the wall?
Phil: No, thank goodness.  On the floor.
Erin: Whose are they?
Phil: Little Miss.  I think she tried to clean it up with her sock.
Erin: How bad is it?
Phil: Not bad.  Could be a lot worse.

Looks like you can get used to anything, even the threat of a mystery bowel movement on the floor!  A good sense of humor is a must!

Transracial Adoption: From Home Depot to CNN

This has not been a great couple of days for this Mommy's self esteem.  First, I was approached twice this weekend by women offering suggestions for Little Miss' hair (hair-raising conversations).  I had been comment-free for almost a year.  True, the first time I was trying something new, and it didn't really look very good, but the second time I thought it looked fine!  Anyway, that's tough, though my loving hubby pointed out that both women went on to ask me questions about our family and adoption, so they may just have been looking for an "in" to get to know the family a little bit (or to be nosey).  Still, I'm considering whether or not it is time to take Little Miss in to get her hair professionally done.  I want to try an experiment anyway.  I have a theory that I'll still get some comments on Little Miss hair even if it is done by a pro, just because we are a conspicuous little family.  I'll let you know how that issue proceeds.

The second hair-raising conversation also involved a little bit of talk about transracial adoption.  The (African American) woman who initiated this conversation (in the Garden Center at Home Depot on Memorial Day--where of course I was completely prepared to discuss the finer points of transracial adoption and had Little Miss' hair done to the nines) was all supportive of our transracial family until she realized that Little Miss was not joining us out of foster care and that we were in fact actively pursuing a second African American adoption even though we had two little guys already.  The conversation remained polite on the surface, but was punctuated by some facial expressions of clear disapproval at times.  I thought it was a little rude. 

Then, I turn to CNN.com this morning and find that the transracial adoption issue has hit the front page.  The article is about DCFS's 1994 decision (the Multi-Ethnic Placement Act) to remove talk of race from the issue of foster care-to-adoption placement in order to encourage the placement of Black children.  It's under discussion because some maintain that White parents are not getting the training that they need to successfully raise a transracial family because race is not given enough consideration.  Also, adoption of Black kids waiting in foster care has not significantly increased, and more Black kids in transracial families experience self esteem problems as compared to same-race families.  I actually prefered the Washington Post version of this story because it made it clear that many of the self-esteem issues are related to skin color, so all children who are very dark (including those adopted internationally from places like Cambodia) can experience a sort of White-envy if they are not encouraged to embrace their own skin color.  This is not a Caucasian vs African-American issue. 

So, what do I think?  Well, first I want to point out that this does not affect my family directly because we are doing infant, agency adoption, not DCFS foster care adoption. My agency already requires transracial adoption training and has ongoing support for transracial adoptive families, and I think that is a good thing.  I think you've got to be willing to put yourself out there and talk to people about the weirdest things at the weirdest times if you are thinking about transracial adoption.  You've also got to be able to handle that stuff without making your kids feel self-consious and inferior.  That's hard.  It deserves at least a warning, if not actual training.  So, it should be part of the discussion.  At the same time, if we are going to say that Black kids are only going to be ok with Black parents, then we are not allowing this country to move forward.  We are forcing it to be a Caucasian vs African-American issue.

Funding Our Adoption--Grants and Fundraisers

With our Home Study officially and 100% done, Phil and I are now in a position to start applying for adoption grants.  Yes, there are such things, and they generally require that your Home Study be completed before you begin the application.  We estimate our adoption costs at a paltry $12,000--not bad considering most adoptions are $20,000 or more--but, still, it's not easy coming up with that chunk of change all at one go.  I've looked into several grants, but I am really only focusing on one.  For the next month, I'll be spending some time getting everything together for a grant from Shaohannah's Hope.  The couple of other grants I have looked into give preference to couples without children.  That's not us, so I'm passing over them.  Shaohannah's Hope does base its decisions on financial need, so that is not in our favor.  We are comfortably middle class and, as I said, our adoption is less expensive than most, so I'm not sure that we'll qualify.  Still, as a single income family which has already funded one adoption, I think I can make a case for a $2000.00 grant.

For our first adoption, we basically just saved for several months and wrote a check.  It wasn't easy to come up with that kind of money, but we saved half of my paycheck for almost a year and found ourselves able to cover not only the adoption expenses, but also a few unexpected birthmom expenses as well.  This approach also got our budget acclimated to a single income, meaning we did not take a lifestyle hit when I stopped working outside the home. 

For our second adoption, we are able to combine tax returns, contract projects outside of our normal work (for both Phil and me), a little bit of savings, and a series of online auctions to come up with most of what we need.  We are hoping for the grant because we are doing a little bit of "robbing Peter to pay Paul." We owe my parents some money because they loaned us the financial resources to complete our hideous construction project.  We are holding a bit of this loan aside to cover additional adoption expenses, but would like to get as much back to my parents as possible.  More money in the adoption fund means more can be returned on the loan.

Asking friends and family to donate objects that we could sell has worked well so far.  We've made about $800.00 by selling both the donations and our own items on CraigsList.  There are many organizations that have created fundraisers to help adoptive parents.  Sell magazine subscriptions, sell teddy bears, sell bracelets, sell T-shirts...and keep most of the proceeds to benefit your adoption.  There are even organizations that will help you set up a tax-exempt account so that financial donations from friends and family would not be subject to taxes.  An extensive transracial adoption blog (written by a different Erin) explains a lot of these options.  But, a good old fashioned garage sale (or our higher tech version) can still do wonders.  It never hurts to say "Hey, this is funding our adoption" on your advertising, either (though I don't think Phil has been doing this for our online auctions).

In funding any adoption, it is important to remember the government's Adoption Tax Credit.  You pay the money up front, but over several years, you can get up to $10,000 total back from the government.  This is not a refund, but a tax credit--basically you get all of the money you pay on taxes back (up to $10,000).  So, if you are using a Home Equity Line of Credit or a similar loan for part of your adoption, you can pay it back out of your Adoption Tax Credit.  You can start receiving the tax credits for taxes filed in the year your adoption is finalized, not the year you are placed with a baby.  We were able to use our Adoption Tax Credit (which we are still receiving in installments from Little Miss' adoption in 2005--which was finalized in 2006) to meet all of the initial expenses of beginning our second adoption.

The adoption tax credit definetly got us started, but a little extra could go a long way for us, so I'll keep you posted on how it goes with Shaohannah's Hope.  Good luck to anyone out there in a similar situation!

Hair Care Basics

As a white Mommy to an African American little girl, I know how hard it can be to get the hair "just right."  We are a transracial family, and we get a lot of attention.  Particularly for the first year or so, a lot of that attention came from well-meaning African American women encouraging me to try this or that for Little Miss' hair.  The thing is, as I am learning now that Little Miss is almost 3, it's not that maintaining proper style for Little Miss' dry, kinky hair is so very hard, it's just a matter of learning how to do it.  So, for all of the new transracial Mommies out there, here are a few basic tips on how to get started.  I'm no expert, but I haven't gotten any sort of hair comment about Little Miss in almost a year, so I must be doing something right!  At any rate, here are a few pointers just to get going.

TEXTURE African American babies are often born with very soft hair, then as they get older, they're hair will take on its final texture.  Not all Black hair is the same.  It can be curly, wavy, or kinky...extremely dry, or only moderately dry.  This is very important.  I had the problem all the time, that A-A friends or acquaintances (or strangers) would want me to try a new product because Little Miss' hair was too dry.  It took me months to realize that many people (particularly the strangers) were only recommending what they use, and were not taking into consideration the fact that Little Miss is 100% African American and her hair is far along on the dry, kinky spectrum.  So you have to find the product that really fits your child's hair and not go crazy taking everyone's suggestions.   There is a lot of trial and error here.

SHAMPOO Do not use baby shampoo.  Do NOT use baby shampoo.  Find a shampoo that is made for African American children or at least one made for dry hair.  Shampoo about once a week.  If your child has only moderately dry hair, that may be all you need, at least when s/he is very young.  I am currently using Soft & Precious Baby, a shampoo for A-A kids. 

PRODUCT For Little Miss, we had to start using product at about age 4 months.  That's when her hair started sounding "crunchy" when I squeezed it. After asking around (interested strangers CAN be very useful sometimes) I realized that I did not have to stick just to products made for babies because all the products are chemical heavy, even the baby ones.  I had tried three: Soft & Precious Baby, Just for Me, and Dark and Lovely for Kids.  The nice thing about kids' products is that they smell kid-appropriate.  No heavy perfume or incense smell.  But, for Little Miss' extreme hair, kid products on their own did not have enough oil.  I have also tried the adult products Pink (an oft recommended brand, but strong-smelling and harsh on my hands), Mizani (nice, but expensive), and Lustrasilk Moisture Max (good, but harsh on my hands).  I am currently using Olive Oil (this is a brand, not like what you cook with), and I really like it.  It is good-smelling, has a heavy-duty oil-based lotion, and is gentle on my super-sensitive hands, so it must be pretty gentle on my little girl's head, too.  I also use a spray for detangling--Dark and Lovely for Kids moisturizing detangler.  Combining two products was an inspiration from a book, and it has been great.  I use the detangling spray before combing/styling and also to moisturize and spruce up a 'do that's being left in for several days.  I use the lotion on each section of hair before I twist, braid, or puff it.

STYLING  I like to style Little Miss' hair when it is wet, usually in the evening when things are calm and quiet (so unfortunately she sleeps in it before anyone really gets a chance to see it!).  The hair is much easier to work with when it is wet and the style seems to be more firm and smooth.  With dry, kinky hair, the hair can just lock in on itself if left in afro-mode, which deprives the scalp of oxygen, makes the hair really hard to comb, and contributes to breakage.  So, keeping her hair in sections, even if it is just two "afro-puff" pigtails, is really important.  That's why so many little girls that you see wear at least three sections most of the time.  It's no coincidence!  You should be able to see the scalp clearly through the parts, which should be kept very straight with a rat-tail comb or a pick ( I prefer a pick).  If the part is wishy-washy, the hair is pulled in a couple of different directions, causing the scalp to pucker along the part.  I don't know for sure how it feels, but it looks painful to me.  Right now, I tend to do about 16-20 different sections of hair by starting in quarters, then parting each quarter 4 or 5 times.  I secure each section with a rubber band, then do a two-strand twist.  The 2-strand twist is one of the coolest things about Black hair, I think.  Braids require 3 strands and are harder to remove, but two-strands twisted and clipped with a barrette will stay perfectly neat for a week or more.  Just wrap the end of the hair around the rod of the barrette before clipping.  Cool, huh?  This is just an intro...I plan to highlight specific styles in later articles.

MAINTENANCE I sure wish I had taught Little Miss to sleep in a cap when she was a little baby.  Not only would it have saved her from a massive baby-bald-spot, it would help maintain her styles now because a cap would keep the hair from rubbing around as she sleeps.  So far, no luck introducing a cap or kerchief, but try it if you can.  Also, I've had no luck finding a silk pillow case (I guess they don't sell them at Target), but I do know that cotton can catch on the hair and leech out the moisture, so silk is best.  Hair that is in puffs has to be released from rubber bands and sprayed, combed, and moisturized every day or two.  Twisted hair holds its moisture better because less is exposed to the air.   Hair in twists or braids can say in for days, even up to two weeks.  Every couple of days I spray each twist with moisturizing detangler and sometimes I rub lotion on the ends of the hair.  All the better if your little one is willing to sleep in her "pretties"...the twists remain tight and the ends remain moisturized.

I plan to make hair care a sort of series, where I highlight different 'dos as I begin to feel confident with them.  Check out my outline of Little Miss' Easter Hair for the first such installment.  I'm still learning, and as I said, so much of this is trial and error, so look around and find the regimine that really works best for your child.  Then, come back here and post so I can get a few more tips, too :-)

Love Languages and Kids

I just finished up a women's Bible study focusing on wife/mother issues, and one of the things we talked about was finding your husband's "Love Language".  I'm familiar with this concept from my pre-marital counselling and also from a communications class I took in High School. It's from a popular book entitled The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.  In summary, the idea is that everyone has specific things that make them feel loved...their "Love Language."  The five love languages Chapman describes are:

Words of Affirmation: Acknowledge the good things that I do!  Praise me!
Quality Time: Spend time focused only on me!
Gifts: Show you love me with a thoughtful present!
Acts of Service: Do special little things just for me!
Physical Touch: Hold my hand!  Rub my back!  Cuddle me!  Be physically connected to me!

It took me about two seconds to figure out that I am a "Words of Affirmation" kind of gal.  I really need to be told that I'm doing a good job.  I feel completely re-energized after a compliment.  Phil and I always joke that his love language is "Food".  In fact, we once won a "Newlywed Game"-type challenge by both answering "Food" as Phil's love language even though this is obviously not one of the five types listed.  As time has gone by, I see that it is not so much the food as the act of caring for him that is really important to Phil, so I now see him in the "Acts of Service" category.  Once you know your loved ones' love language, you can start deliberately showing them acts of love in their "language" instead of doing what most of us do...trying to show everyone love in our own "language."

As I said, thinking about this in terms of my spouse is not new to me.  For the first time, however, I've found myself thinking about the love language of my children and how I can use the clues of their love language to be a better mom.  Having just looked up the books on Amazon, I've realized that this is not a novel concept.  There is in fact a whole book devoted to the The Five Love Languages of Children (also Men, Women, Teens, Singles... apparently Gary Chapman is going all "Chicken Soup for the Soul" on us).  I haven't read that book, but the book summary on Amazon.com describes the exact same Five Love Languages.  Presumably, they are described and illustrated in ways that relate to children's expressions of love.  Anyway, I was doing my own thinking about Love Languages and the kiddobeans.

I think I could have pegged Little Miss as a "Physical Touch" person when she had been with us less than 24 hours (she was then 3 weeks old).  From the very beginning, that child would sleep soundly for hours and hours if she was being held, but would fuss and wake up repeatedly when asleep in her crib.  In fact, Phil held her all night long the first night she was with us.  He describes this as a great bonding experience, but I have no doubt that it also keyed in to a fundamental need in her that we still see expressed.  She's a cuddler, a hand-holder, a "carry me!" girl, a cling to your leg if you are standing or to your back if you are kneeling or to your lap if you are sitting kind of little one.  As the Mommy, I have found this annoying for the 18 months or so, ever since she left babyhood behind.  She's always touching me!  Thinking about this behavior in terms of a Love Language instead of unnecessarily negative words like "clingy" or "separation anxiety" or "neediness" helps me put this in perspective from her point of view.

Little Man is harder for me.  He's all sunshine and happiness (except when he is lacking either sleep or food), and he is not terribly verbal as yet, so I'm having a difficult time figuring out his "language".  I'm thinking that Little Man may be a "Quality Time" person, if only because--as the littlest one--he doesn't get a lot of one-on-one time.  Little Miss and I are often alone together while Little Man is napping, but how often am I alone with just Little Man?  When he does have some time just with me, or just with Phil, his little face lights up and he appears to feel Very Important.  I have resolved to keep a closer eye on him to see if I can decipher his "language" a little bit more.

Another thing I'm taking away from this Bible study is the idea that you can't be everything to everyone, so why not focus on a few things that are most important to the people that you love?  That way you only have to do a few very imortant things instead of a bunch of things that mean very little.  To me, finding the kids love lanuages can help me do just that.

Artificial Twinning--Who Knew?

Apparently, the official term for kids such as mine, siblings not biologically related who are less than nine months apart, is Artificial Twins.  I had no idea there was such a thing, nor that there have actually been articles written about Artificial Twinning.  Coincidentally, I found out by tracing a google search someone else made.  The search engine found a match on this very blog (to my article referencing the kiddobeans as Virtual Twins), resulting in a hit on my site.  I tracked back on the search and found these two other articles which discuss Artificial Twinning.  Neither was very encouraging.

The articles, found in an index at adopting.org, were written by an adoption specialist, Richard van Deelen,  and an advocate for infertile couples,  Patricia Irwin Johnston, respectively.  Both focus on the folly of intentionally creating Artificial Twins (also referred to as Pseudo Twins or Virtual Twins) either by double-duty adoption or by deliberately continuing fertility assistance while pursing adoption.  The fact is, of course, that Phil and I did neither of these things to result in our Artificial Twinning.  Little Miss was already placed with us when we were completely blindsided by the realization of Little Man's imminent arrival.  There was no collusion or deception, or even deliberately planning (unless you count God's deliberate plan), that resulted in our unique family.  Nevertheless, my defenses went up upon first reading the articles.  Who are these people to make judgments on my family, anyway!

That was my impression on the initial read-through.  After a second read, though, I had to admit that the articles had a real point.  In fact, it is the point that I am continually trying to make to people who think it's "so cute" to have the two little guys so close together or prospective adoptive parents who "hope it happens" to them.  Artificial Twinning is really, really hard on the parents!  You have kids at different development levels who are continually put in situations where they have to respond as if they are the same age.  You have two sets of early childhood needs to contend with, like multiple well-baby doctor visits, two babies who need to be hand fed, two babies needing attention during the night, and possibly even two sets of Early Intervention physical therapy.  You have constant attention from well-meaning strangers who are burning with curiosity about your family, leading to discussions of adoption and infertility in the most unlikely of places.  It's just not easy.  So, I guess since it's not a situation that I would recommend anyone to deliberately seek out, I can't get defensive when the experts agree with me.

Both articles make the point that parents who seek out a situation with Artificial Twins are probably acting from a desire (born of infertility) to secure a family asap, even if that involves multiple babies.  The experts say that these parents are not looking past the baby in their arms to the potential problems later as their family grows.  Only the second article, with the sobering title "Instant Family? The Case Against Artificial Twinning", actually ended on a positive note by offering advice for families like mine that want to thrive in this situation.  Two points I'm really going to consider are 1) Set clear boundaries on how you communicate with people about your family.  Not every question about adoption/infertility from a stranger or acquaintance deserves a super-detailed answer.  Kids want their privacy too.  2) Help the kids grow their separate identities by keeping them in different grades in school if possible.  That'll require some thought, but I am now once again leaning toward separating them in school.  We'll see.  I change my mind about every 5 minutes on this.

So there you go.  We're a sociological phenomenon.  Who knew?  Anybody out there also parenting Artificial Twins?  What's your story?  Anybody out there considering it?  I've decided that, looking past the defensiveness I feel at this implied criticism of my family, my advice has to be the same as the experts.  Don't seek it out.  It's tough on you and on the kids.  My own addition to the articles is--if you find yourself in that situation for one reason or another, embrace it.  There can be great blessings in having a unique family.  My hope is that Richard van Deenan and Patricia Irwin Johnston, realists that they are, might stumble on this site one day and get a perspective on the blessings as well as the challenges.  There is nothing "artificial" about the sibling and parental love in a unique family like mine.

Field Trips and ID Tags

I took the kids to the big Chicago area zoo yesterday.  My Mom came with us and we had a marvelous time.  The animals were out in force, it wasn't too crowded, and the kiddobeans are at the perfect age for reveling in new discoveries of the animal kingdom.  Of course, at two-years-old (25 months and 33 months respectively), the kiddobeans are also experiencing the stage of prime wander-off-ability.  Last summer, we almost lost Little Man when he decided to walk away and join an elderly couple heading the opposite direction.  Apparently they just looked more interesting than Mommy and Daddy.  After that trip, I decided that would always put an ID tag on their backs for big outings like the one yesterday.

I don't think that I came up with this on my own.  Really, I'm not that creative or brilliant.  I must have heard about it somewhere, but, since my kids were the only ones at the zoo wearing ID tags, it must not have made it to the "Family Living" section of CNN or anything.  Maybe I did make it up, and then I could patent it.  Of course, since I make their ID tags out of a post-it note and a safety pin, I don't know that I could make any money from its marketability.  Still, it would be cool to have a patent, so maybe I'll give that some more thought.

ID tags are super easy.  Before we leave the house, I write their name and a cell phone number where I can be reached on a post-it, then pin it to their backs.  It's simple as can be, but really increases my peace-of-mind at a place like the zoo, which has no intercom system.  If I were really organized, I would purchase large adhesive mailing labels, and then I could skip the safety pin.  Maybe someday I'll remember to buy those, but for now a post-it and a safety pin works great.  It's not shiny and pretty, but it does the job.

All day long at the zoo, I would hear people mentioning those ID tags.  Kids asked their parents about it, parents told each other about it, and several people told me what a good idea it was.  Normally, I thrive on that kind of positive attention, but I have to admit that I was chagrined yesterday.  I was not nearly as prepared as I seemed.  Since I don't have a cell phone, I wrote down my parents' cell number on the tag, figuring that my Mom would have her phone with her.  The joke was on me..the phone was at home with my Dad.  So, in the event of an emergency, a kind-hearted stranger would actually be calling my Dad an hour away who would in turn have no ability to contact me.  Oh well.  The best laid plans of mice and men...

Still, the point remains that ID tags, when they contain the correct phone number, are a great idea.  They haven't actually been wear-tested because I have (thankfully) not lost one of my children recently.  Since I'm not willing to deliberately leave one of the kids wandering lost and alone at a crowded place, the tags may never get a good field test.  Still, the peace-of-mind alone is worth it, and I have to feel that what sounds so good in theory will prove helpful in practice.

Home Visit--Check!

I am so glad to finally have our Home Visit finished!  Everything else on the adoption check list has been done for a while, but the home visit had to be postponed at the last minute due to our social worker's nasty bout with bronchitis.  But now it's done and, except for a few little bits of paperwork that slipped through the cracks, so are we!  Nothing to do now but wait.  Phase I (Training/Paperwork) took from mid-January to mid-April.  Now on to Phase II (The Wait), and hopefully before too long we'll be able to bask in the excitement of Phase III (Placement!).

Going in to our first adoption, the Home Visit sort of loomed above us as this big invasive terror.  Phil's parents, who have two children through adoption, did not have a great experience with the social worker who did their Home Visit (not associated with our Agency), so we definitely approached it with trepidation the first time around.  How close was the social worker going to look?  Were dust bunnies going to prevent us from getting a baby?  The answer, of course, is "no."  Dust bunnies are not really on our social worker's radar.  I took away from that first experience One Great Truth--the social workers are on our team.  They want us to be available for placement both for our own sakes and for sake of the birthmoms with whom they work.  They want the birthmoms to have the widest range of qualified families available so that the women making this selfless decision can make the best choice possible.

So, what is on our social worker's radar?  A clean, ventilated, healthy home environment (with or without the dust bunnies is fine); Adequate bedroom and living space (40 square feet per child--remember that's a room that is as small as 5'x8'); Smoke detectors and a fire evacuation plan; Safe, child-proof locations for cleaning supplies and prescription medications; A willingness to meet the DCFS requirements for accurate records and post-placement visits from our social worker until the adoption is finalized six months after placement.  T hat's really it. 

Now, you would think that having experienced one Home Visit already and having a really clear idea of exactly what was required, that I would not be worried about the Home Visit this time around.  You'd think that I wouldn't be cleaning under the beds and making sure there were no dishes in the sink.  You'd think that I'd allow a little toddler mess to sneak into the rooms that I had just cleaned.  You'd think I wouldn't obsess.  And yet, do you think that's what I did?  Of course not.  I obsessed.  But, to anyone out there considering adoption or perhaps knee-deep in the Homestudy and awaiting the Home Visit I give you this advice.  Don't obsess.  It's taken me (at least) two go-rounds to learn that lesson, but hopefully you are wiser than I am!

Review: Aquadoodles!

My kids are no longer allowed to play with crayons.  I just had to give up on them as the 2-year-olds' artwork began to slowly but surely creep onto the walls of every room in the house.  Why did they always go for the walls when there was plenty of paper available?  My aunt, an early childhood special ed teacher, provided the answer.   Kids learn better when working directly in front instead of bending over.  Coloring on the walls is their natural inclination.  The solution in her classroom was Aquadoodles, and I resolved to give this coloring alternative a try for Little Man's second birthday.

The aptly named Aquadoodles allow kids to "color" with water.  The water goes into a pen or brush with an absorbent tip, and the pens change the color of the special Aquadoodle mat from light blue to dark blue.  The mat can be mounted on the wall and presto! the kids can draw on the walls, meeting their intuitive educational needs with no mess.  As their scribbles dry, the mat returns to its original color, so it is continually reusable. I bought the Aquadoodle Wall Mat, which came with one pen, for $20.00 and the Aquadoodle Accessory Set, which included an extra pen and a paintbrush, for $5.99. 

From the moment we popped it out of the box, I was of two minds about its success.  On the one hand, the kids loved it.  My two-year-olds and their four-year-old cousin jumped right in to "coloring".  They were absolutely delighted watching the different ways the water could spread across the mat depending how hard you pushed the pen.  They drew shapes and asked for letters and numbers.  They shared very well, they played both on their own and with adult input.  It was fun for everyone, and it kept their interest for over an hour on that first day.  Given its success with the target audience, the Aquadoodle mat should have earned a 100% positive review from this Mommy.

Unfortunately, I noticed a fatal flaw even before the kids started playing. When I pulled it from the box, I immediately felt it was too flimsy.  The mat is not really a mat at all, but a thick piece of paper only about as sturdy as a sheet of poster paper.  The toy is marketed for ages 2 and up, and it is just not sturdy enough for that age group.  My Little Man is not very aggressive, but he is, like most little boys, just hard on stuff.  Part of exploring and understanding a toy is to bang it around a little--it's just how toddlers are--and the Aquadoodle Wall Mat was not fit for that kind of treatment.  I was sure he would rip it.  My sister-in-law offered the excellent suggestion of covering the back with contact paper, and I resolved to do so ASAP.  Unfortunately, ASAP was not soon enough.  Little Man ripped the mat almost in half the next day during the course of normal play.  It had been up in the house less than 24 hours.

I taped the rip, coated the back with contact paper, and stuck it back on the wall.  The paper is absorbent, so I was worried that the contact paper would affect its playability.  Though the mat did wrinkle a little bit during use, which I feel happened because of the contact paper backing, this has not diminished the kiddobeans enjoyment of the toy.  It has continued to be a hit, and is great for single or multiple kids from scribblers all the way up to writers.  Apart from the durability issue, the only other (very minor) problem is that the kids can unscrew the pens and dump a small amount of water on the floor.  In general, however, the water is pretty well contained and the Aquadoodles system does keep everything very clean.

I would purchase an Aquadoodles toy again, but I will skip the Wall Mat if I do.  The floor mats appear to be more durable (though without touching one I can't know for sure), and if I purchase again I will attempt to stick the sturdier floor mat onto the wall.  In the meantime, I'm giving a shout out to the Aquadoodles' people:  Hey guys!  Great product, but way too fragile for two-year-olds. Either change the product, or change the marketing!